About Me — Aayushi Gupta
Something affected me daily to my core. Felt depressed and worthless yet unaware of the cause. I was trying desperately and asking questions again and again that why! Why I am feeling frustrated, irritated, and not happy. These questions haunted me every day when I finally entered the so-called world, illusion.
So it started in my childhood innocent age, where we only wanted to enjoy everything and were very playful and naughty. I was very fond of playing, and my mother used to catch me and lock me in the house and then my unending cry. But the grass is not greener on the other side. My parents started fighting, fighting over silly things. As I grew older, their fighting also increased, and sometimes in front of any close guest too.
You know we all want loving parents and want to be their princess and prince. However, in my case, I remembered no happy memory from my parents and remembered how my mother beat me on my back when I did something wrong and my father too. I also remembered the day when I was having pain in my stomach and lying on the bed hoping to get care and affection from them. But unfortunately, none of them. Their fights were above me. After seven years, my little sister comes into our life. She gets the attention from then onwards. Even she became the love of my life. She is like my baby and calls me a teddy bear too.
When she came to her senses, I shared everything with her, my feelings, and daily life. But again, our parents’ fights have no end. A time came when I was frustrated too much and even said to them in anger that “I will die if it will continue”. From that day, my father tried to control not to fight but my mother has another level of anger residing in her.
So you thinking that what the big deal here is! It happens in every family. YES, fights happen in all families. I even agree with this point. After 25 years of my life, I became aware of this fact. I always asked questions to myself that “why did my close ones not even try to solve my parents’ fights when they already knew it. Why do they never make them understand the consequences of their fights on their child? Why does no one ask me how I feel and how I am? It is also somewhere deep inside making me feel unlovable, worthless, and helpless. It even has arisen hatred in me for my parents for making me feel embarrassed all the time. Because seeing all these things at a very early age has lost my voice. It was like bottling up inside me and something like poison killing me in the core. But I was unaware of what was all happening to me. So every time I make a new friend, I try to understand their lives and interpret something new point of view.
Gradually, my narrow perspective towards life became broader as I started finding answers to all my questions. I become distant from my very close people not because they are bad but they are not helping me get rid of my internal killing issues. Unfortunately, somewhere it affected them because they started thinking that I am avoiding them as I have attitude. But as I told you above, I left with no energy to explain to anyone. Also, my inherent trust issues restricted me to express my feelings to anyone.
What do I learn from this emotional trauma?
Hence, what I get to know after so much research about life, its meaning, and understanding others' life is that-
- The feelings of worthlessness, helplessness and unlovable that arose in me due to my parents’ fights have nothing to do with me. They are doing in their unconscious state of mind.
- Have you seen that movie “The hate You Give” which depicted the child who returned the hatred that the world has shown him! Earlier. I used to criticize them for indirectly making me feel unlovable in my childhood. But the point is that it was not their fault too. They were so already disturbed with their past issues that they hardly got the time to know themselves and know the impact of their actions. Then, how will they be able to love their present? The hate that I received from them was the result of the hatred they had received from their families in their childhood stage.
- Again, if you want to know why someone did wrong in your life then, the first thing you have to do is to understand their past life without judging them.
- Gradually, helping me to resolve all my emotional issues when I found that their irritation has nothing to do with me. Moreover, provided me bigger perspective towards life.
- I decided not to repeat the mistakes that they had made in their ignorance.
- I stopped blaming them and others who come into my life as all their actions occurred in ignorance. I realized that maturity does not come with age.
- I realized that to become the CEO of my life is my new goal, and now it will not be controlled by others.
- As the person can give, what they have. So, I realized the importance of self-love. The hate and past issues will not be further transferred by me anymore.
I hope somewhere deep inside my life story has made you think about life more intensely. How past issues of someone else can impact your present. I hope to get new learnings and continuous improvement at every stage of my life.
The gist of my Bio:
Name- Aayushi Gupta
Profession- Chartered Accountant
Interest- Drawing, Reading, and Writing
Favorite Movie- the Shawshank redemption and the pursuit of happiness
Famous personality- Sadguru (Spiritual guru)
To connect with me, you can reach out to me at-
