About Me — Amethysta
My name is Amethysta. To be pedantically accurate, my parents did not give me my name; I have chosen it. I am a transgender woman, and choosing a new name is one of the perks that go along with transitioning. This is my story.
What Do I Hope to Offer?
Maybe you know about transgender people; maybe you don’t. If you don’t, here is a quick rundown that is common to almost every transgender experience I have read or discussed. We live short lives of guilt and shame: short because suicide rates among transgender people are much higher than among cisgender people, full of guilt and shame because society teaches us that wanting to be the opposite gender is wrong. We learn this as children, and it is a difficult lesson to let go of.
I have begun to write because I choose to reclaim my life and my story from society. I began to transition to present as a woman full-time in July 2022. That isn’t a very long time, yet I have experienced some amazing changes — emotional and psychological as well as physical. In fact, the physical changes are the least of them at the time of writing.
My background is scientific and technical. I have been a chemist, a professor, a software engineer, and a software manager. I have studied philosophy and psychology as a hobby. I have also suffered from mental health issues since my teenage years. I have struggled with substance abuse. I have hurt myself for reasons I did not understand at the time.
In 2012, I decided that I would not struggle any longer so that I would be capable of watching my son grow up. It took several years, but I began to meditate and consider my place in the universe. That gave me the courage to quit drinking, get off all medications, and turn my focus outward instead of inward. My life is far from perfect, but it is significantly better than it was 10 years ago. This year, I found the strength within myself and my relationship with my family to transition. I was 52 years old.
Last night, I was talking to two friends of mine. We were discussing our transition experiences, and I mentioned that I began looking into the process as early as 2001. She asked me what I thought was a simple question: “when did you know?” Each of us has a different story; here is where the transgender experience seems to diverge. Here is where I will begin my story.
When Did I Know?
I have known who I am for a very long time. As a child, I lived in an abusive environment, and I did not understand then what it was I felt. But mostly, I felt confused. My place in the world did not make sense. I was geeky and awkward; people did not seek me out. When did I know?
- I knew when it felt as if I were the wrong puzzle piece being forced into a space where I did not belong.
- I knew when I watched my father treat me differently than he treated my sisters.
- I knew when I realized that even though I couldn’t give my father what I thought he wanted — another daughter — I would still choose to be one just for myself.
As I grew into an adult, I became at least a little less geeky and awkward — to the point where I even found a girlfriend. I thought that I was beginning to understand where my place in the world was. I played guitar, went to college, partied a bit too much, and did not see that there was still an underlying part of myself that was out of focus. When did I know?
- I knew when my very first girlfriend broke up with me because I stretched out her dress, and as she closed the door behind her, it was obvious that I would not stop.
- I knew as I made my way through graduate school and found that people disliked that I had another side to me — to the point that I lost friends and was threatened.
- I knew because despite the pain I felt as I watched relationships grow and shatter, my inner woman was more important, even if I did not speak the words.
Finally, today, I am transitioning. It was a difficult start to the year; even with all of the experiences I had, I fought against accepting my true nature. I fought myself not to have to own Amethysta. But she took on a life of her own, to the point that I could not ignore her. That to do so would tear my body, soul, and spirit apart. When did I know?
- I knew when I found that I was not the wrong puzzle piece, but that somebody had erroneously tried to insert me into the wrong puzzle.
- I knew as I read how the world might stand against me, but with the support of my wonderful wife and son, I could do this.
- I knew when I realized that the author I am about to paraphrase would cringe at the thought of me using a semblance of her words, but they just so appropriate:
After all this time, Amethysta? When did you know?
Always.
