About Me — Bhavna B. Narula

I have learned to wear my past as a badge of honor

Image by the author before a dance performance in December 2019.

Hi everyone. My name is Bhavna Narula. And this story is all About Me.

I am a true Aquarian by nature — obstinate, eccentric, unconventional, and friendly. I have been born and brought up in Maharashtra, India.

I have earned a Diploma and a Postgraduate degree in Human Resources Management. I have also completed my B.ed (Teacher training program) in 2019 and since then have been working as a Teacher with an International Baccalaureate School.

I have been training in an Indian Classical dance form Kathak for the past 8 years and have performed at various events as well.

Collage by the author (Pictures were taken before or during my performances at various events)

I have been known on this platform for my humor, fictional stories, poems, and self-improvement lessons. I am still trying my hand at every genre of writing. I don’t want to be stereotyped as a writer and will keep improving my work’s quality.

To help you get a proper glimpse of my life, I have shared my life events as a child, teenager, pre-adulthood, and adulthood. That will give you a lot of clarity about what makes me the person I am today.

(Note- All the quotes in this story are penned by the author herself.)

“I didn’t have a great past, neither was I born with a silver spoon, but if given the opportunity to exchange my problems with anyone, I would be happy to give it a pass.”

Childhood

Image by the author (It was my 8th birthday and my father had taken me to the studio for a picture. I had no idea it would be my last birthday with him.)

My childhood memories began from the time I lost my father to Typhoid. I was barely 8 then. I didn’t even understand the term death and was told that he had gone on a trip and will be back after a few years.

But in my heart, I knew he wasn’t coming back. I cried too. Not because he passed away, but because I wasn’t allowed to attend a friend’s birthday party on the same day.

Then something happened.

Some random aunty came up to me and said,

‘’Don’t ever cry in front of your mother. If you cry, she will cry more. You have to be brave.’’

That statement stuck so hard in my mind that I cried directly in front of my therapist’s office 25 years later. Unfortunately, a lot of garbage had been accumulated in my system by then, effects of which are seen even today.

So that was basically the crappiest piece of advice to be given to a child, especially when they have to process an event like death.

From that day on, little Bhavna learned to bottle up all her feelings within her — most of them being sad ones.

She couldn’t tell her mom she missed dad on the report card day, him showering her with surprise gifts, picking her up after a school picnic, or just the warm feeling of being a daughter.

As a writer- I hadn’t started creating anything in this phase but I was recognized for my handwriting skills in school. I wonder who stole that skill?

Teenage

Image by the author (The last birthday spent with my mom in 2006. I am enjoying a birthday special cake baked by my mom)

It was at age 11, that I realized my dad wasn’t coming back and I cried for the first and the last time in front of my mom. We obviously faced financial issues after his demise. Because of which most of my childhood was spent on borrowed stuff, and that really hurt. To date, my hands shiver while donating any used item to the needy.

My mom was not that educated and therefore, had limited options for earning bread and butter. But she was hell-bent to give me the best life, especially when it came to education.

She wanted me to have everything in life that she couldn’t.

She joined a playschool as a teacher, worked in double shifts, became a cosmetic distributor for brands such as Lakme and Avon, started taking party orders for snacks and cakes, and also started a home salon service for ladies.

Despite our financial condition being weak, I will admit it was the best time of my life. I and my mom shared an amazing relationship. As I grew up, we become more of friends and we shared thoughts that no mother-daughter would.

At that time it seemed we were acting way ahead of time, but if only we knew what was coming next, we would have only been glad for this time.

When I was 18 years, she was diagnosed with stage 4 Paranoid Pschizophrenia, and her treatment continued for six months until she passed away all of a sudden in 2006. Those six months were quite challenging but what I faced in the next decade crushed me completely.

As a writer- I had started writing random posts on Orkut and Facebook, but nothing serious though. People often pointed out I was a good speaker, but the writer in me was still far from being conscious.

Pre-adulthood

Image by author 2015

These 10 years were the most difficult of my life. When I look back at what I endured, I am amused to just be alive.

If there was a term called ‘Emotional Rape’ then I was raped emotionally for more than ten years by people who claimed to be ‘Family’.

“An orphan’s life becomes difficult not when their parents pass away. It becomes difficult when they start looking for parent-like figures in the wrong people.”

My freedom was snatched away, I was turned into a slave, I had no social, professional, or personal life. I had no friends, no hobbies, no interests. I had become a body that was only breathing but not living.

My self-esteem was crushed to the ground. The romantic relationship I was involved in pushed me to the brink of depression as I realized later that I was dating a sadist whose pleasure came solely from my tears.

After losing ten prime years of my life, sitting at home, and doing nothing, there came a day I searched for ways to kill myself.

That was a turning point towards my recovery.

I believe that God helped me reflect that my life had gone extremely wrong, simply because I let all the wrong people control it. It was high time that I took it in my hands before I succumbed to an untimely death led by suicide.

“I knew my existence didn’t matter to anyone and my absence won’t make a difference either. But my parents would be let down if they saw their daughter quitting on life they gave.”

As a writer this was quite the year for me, as I was regularly writing on Quora, I even started my own blog, wrote for my institute’s magazine as well. I had also maintained a diary for my day-to-day thoughts because just like Anne Frank, I did not have anyone talk to.

P.S. I thought of sharing one of the excerpts from that diary here but it was so depressing that I couldn’t gather the courage to go through the contents all over again.

Adulthood

Image by author 2021

I am an adult today and I am happy to have taken my life back into my hands for the last five years. These 5 years had been more challenging because people who wanted to dominate me tried their best to put off all my efforts in rebuilding my life.

I had to of course seek help from professionals and my well-wishers to fight them all and come up in life.

Obviously, the willpower I got as a genetic gift from my mom helped a lot.

“I have seen the darkest phase in my life and believe me it is not where you want to be. It is dark, depressing, and it keeps sucking you in until your existence gets erased from this universe. You don’t want that to happen.”

As a writer, I joined Medium only last year in August when my friend Shashwat Agarwal encouraged me to take this opportunity and start writing. I am so glad I took his advice.

I think this platform has given me the strength to go through the lockdown period and it helps even today. Apart from being a daily dose of therapy, writing has once again ignited a passion in me and given me a new purpose in life.

I have become bolder when it comes to expressing emotions and that has helped me become more vocal. Now I can shut up the same dominating people whom I couldn’t even speak in front of.

This change has been possible because I have more words in my quiver than I ever had. I just pick the right words, at the right velocity and shoot!

I have to thank every writer on this platform whose article I have ever read and learned from. The infinite stories have helped me realize I am not the only one.

There have been several incidents where innocent lives have suffered a lot and they didn’t even get a second take at life. That realization makes me more thankful to God for giving me the time and power to heal myself through a way I am loving the most — writing.

In closing

“I have learned to wear my past as a badge of honor. It no longer is a sign of weakness. It is in fact, a warning for my enemies. Be careful, rough road ahead.”

Thank you everyone for your time, love, and support. :)

©Bhavna Narula, 2021. All rights are reserved by the author.

Every thing I write turns into sarcasm, but feel free to Email me at bhavna88.bn@gmail.com.🐣

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