About Me — Charlotte Smith
Love, loss and learning to live in the moment.
We are constantly changing, growing and learning. So, this post will be outdated within 24 hours. The things that shaped me won’t change, however, only my awareness of them. This introduction is not exhaustive, nor final, but an overview of the experiences I believed shaped who I am today. I hope it connects with you and we can continue to get to know each other through future posts.
I write this on a late-night coach in January. A dusting of snow coats the rolling hills, shimmering in the full moon. It reminds me of my youth, the first five years spent in the quintessential Finnish countryside. Lessons outside, a forest in the garden: bliss. As I approached five, we moved back to a small village in England. Here I lived, a young hippy who adored nature and studying, until 18, when I moved to Leeds to pursue a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing.
My university years were interesting. COVID-19 arrived during my first year and stuck around until graduation; I had my first (long-distance) relationship with a woman (I knew I was bisexual since 17); I was accidentally diagnosed with OCD (it’s a long story) and my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. In my early 20s, I had to deal with my anxieties and intrusive thoughts surrounding health and relationships whilst somehow navigating an undergraduate degree from the University of Leeds. My handling of it was far from perfect, but I came a long way in understanding myself and the person I am in relationships.
After graduating, I got a job in marketing solutions at an international law firm, rented my first apartment, and left my unhealthy 18-month relationship. One of my proudest moments is that I had grown enough in self-awareness and stability that I could return home to spend a month caring for my dad in his last days whilst working remotely. As difficult as it was, especially for someone with diagnosed health-based OCD, I am so thankful to have been there for every moment.
Life is short
Clichés are such because they’re true. Until this point, I’d been a planner. I’d studied hard, known which university and which course, known that I’d like to work in publishing or journalism, to live overseas one day, and to spend my free time studying philosophy, reading fantasy books and playing guitar. It was comfortable, cosy even, but it was isolated. I’d put my relationships on hold, telling myself that those things didn’t matter as much as my career and my dedication to learning. In reality, relationships scared me. After ending three relationships (one of them lasting eighteen months) because I didn’t feel a romantic connection, I was afraid I was the problem. I had a grasp on my mental health in so many ways, but relationships eluded me. Starting a relationship without being certain that they were the one, risked leaving it and hurting that person. It was easier to dedicate myself to my work, to enjoy being alone, than to start something unknown and risk hurting someone if it didn’t work out. Losing my dad aged 23 gave me a new perspective on life. Love is worth the risk of loss.
Less than a year after losing my dad, I told a friend that I had feelings for them. I already knew she had a crush on me, so it wasn’t as bold as it seems, but it was a big step towards acknowledging romantic feelings. Less than four months later, I flew to the USA to meet her, road trip through Georgia, and see our favourite band together.
That decision changed my life. Until then, I’d never spent that much money, certainly without a second-thought; I’d never initiated a relationship, or confessed feelings; I’d always gone along with someone else’s feelings. I’d never travelled alone or lived so carefree. For the first time, I focused on the present moment instead of worrying about what was to come two or three years down the line.
cut to…
18 months later. I am engaged and due to be married this summer to the love of my life. After spending over a year flying back and forth from America, kayaking with manatees, swimming in the ocean during a storm, exploring the beach at night, playing baseball in the fields, my girlfriend proposed at a beautiful nature reserve in Savannah, not far from where we met. Life was looking up. I realised I could have love and romance without losing my study-time or career.
Just after returning home from America, I was made redundant. I was as shocked as you likely are. The company was restructuring, and my team was being replaced by contractors. It felt like my world shattered. After a difficult two years since losing my dad, I finally felt that things were steady and optimistic. I was lucky enough to be offered a new role at the company working in project management, an area I’d always hoped to gain experience in. Much like it had aged 22 after graduation, my life changed entirely: I had a new job, and I was getting married and moving within the year (maybe one day I’ll write a post on the ups-and-downs of the visa process, but that’s a can of worms I don’t want to open today). I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe in finding a meaning in the things that happen to us. By learning and growing from challenges, we give them a reason and a meaning. For a long time I had felt out of control of my feelings and my life, but by finding meaning in everything I felt as though I was steering the ship through rocky waves.
Counting sheep
I’m not the same whimsical, anxious person I was when I left for university aged 18. But, throughout all the personal, academic and career changes, the thing that has remained steadfast in my life is my love for learning. My love for reading hasn’t changed, but the things I read certainly have. Through thinking about which books, journals and topics resonated with me, I discovered I have aphantasia. Aphantasia is the inability to create mental images. Growing up, when people told me to ‘count sheep’ I truly thought they were being metaphorical. It may seem like a very minor detail, but if you’re a reader or a writer, it has a significant impact. I realised that the books I held most dearly were not ones that depended upon imagination and visualisation, but books about society or introspection. Some of my favourite books are 11.22.63 by Stephen King, On the Road by Jack Kerouac, We Need to Talk about Kevin by Lionel Shriver, and the works of Brandon Sanderson all of which focus on character development, psychology, and atmosphere (King is a master at this). You will find in my articles that my writing is reflective and curious, focusing on atmosphere (if fiction) or discussion (if academic). I collect notes when I discuss interesting ideas with my friends, watch lectures, read something new. I use notes as a form of journaling to discover new ideas, which eventually will become posts.
I hope that through writing about the things I am learning, spanning philosophy, knowledge management, habits, climate change, and whatever else catches my interest, we can build a community focused on learning, growth and sharing and generating new ideas.
I look forward to discussing with you.
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