About Me — Gregorius Gabriel Kohar
A Survivor trying to share his stories and images on this platform as a starting point
One of the 7 billion human beings lives on planet Earth. I was born on the 17th of June, 2001 past midnight in Jakarta. After my mom’s long labor, it was a miracle that I was born. And it’s also a miracle for me to still breathe until this point.
When toddlers reach the age of 3, many could already speak in full sentences and interact with other social beings. You could say that I was an anomaly, being diagnosed with Multi System Development Delay (MSDD) that affect sensory issues, speech problem, and autistic tendencies. Yet I was considered lucky to not fall back on school, despite the massive struggle and effort I need to put into elementary school. All thanks to the support of my parent who had been patiently caring for me.
I’ve never considered myself great at making friends since young. This is why having friends feel special to me. However, in the 3rd grade of Elementary school, I was bullied by the person who I had regarded as my best friend. The event turned into the trauma that shaped how I perceived the world as; dangerous with nobody to trust. I’ve never realized it at that point, but I turned into a quiet kid who never really talk about anything to anyone, as well as having anxiety in certain situations.
Jumping on to middle and high school, you could say that I was an ordinary kid. Nothing more, nothing less. Some people considered me a good friend, and some people saw me as an awkward kid that can’t be asked to compromise. Even so, I never really stand out as a person, and the social anxiety kept on getting worst from there where I can’t tell the struggles I had with anyone.
Early college life perhaps became the darkest era I’ve experienced. New environment, new friends, but it’s worst than school life. At the very least in school, there was a presence that made me comfortable. Here, there’s no support system to help you. I went to a university in South Korea that offers a Korean language course. With limited proficiency, it’s hard to make friends. And the surroundings of the Indonesian student residing here feel toxic with gossip everywhere. Without any group support, loneliness overwhelmed me.
Suicidal thoughts kept passing through my head. On the night of mid-January, I decided to run away and die in a place where nobody could find me. However, due to certain events that reminded me I’m still loved by someone, I’ve decided to stay. In the end, I went to a psychologist and was diagnosed with social anxiety and ADHD. Since then, life has still been a challenging process to get through, but I’m living a better life now.
Readers who read until this point, perhaps you felt overwhelmed with all the negative personal information I’ve been providing. But trust me, all of the events, while such a pain in the a*s, have some positive outcomes to them.
Personally, it helps me to grow into a diligent person. I’ve seen some cases where people were born a prodigy and ended up being lazy as hell. I feel blessed to be a person who never gives up in most cases. The hardship that occurs to me also helps me to be a kind person to anyone (well, not everyone actually. There are some who I deemed to be beyond saving and I know when to stop). The world is such a cruel place, where everyone competes individually. I knew the hardship of having nobody beside them, and I will try my best to help them out of their suffering hole.
Perhaps the biggest positive consequence of my diagnosis is I became an imaginative person. When you don’t have any people to talk to, you start to construct fantasy events in your head. Something you wish could happen, but could never happen. Of course, imagination has no limits but the “storage” does. It is the reason why I would like to share those imaginations.
How would I share the thoughts in my head? I’ve been fascinated with films since an early age. You could say it is my therapy to come into theaters every week, being immersed with the big screen and surrounding sound. Since then, I decided to become a filmmaker and come to South Korea to learn about films. But of course, making films take practice, and most of the time you’ll need to put those ideas onto paper. That’s when I discovered Medium.
At first, I thought I could boost my network through Medium by sharing the fiction stories I’ve been writing. But it turns out that Medium offers so much more with a diverse range of topics and content. Maybe I don’t need to just write fiction. As a person who struggles to share my thoughts verbally (especially with unsupportive surroundings), maybe it’s better to share my thoughts on this platform. It seems weird, however, since I grow more comfortable sharing things with strangers compared to the people I love. It won’t be just negative thoughts, but hopefully positive and inspiring ones as well.
To describe my 21 years of experiencing life in one article are impossible. Yet I hope through what I’ve written (and upcoming ones), you’ll get an insight into what I am as a person. What I believe in. What I’m going through at the moment. After all, it’s never been interesting to just throw everything into the readers because where’s the fun in figuring out the author’s intention?
Please do follow me on my journey on Medium, and I do hope we could become a great community here.
Cheers,
Gregorius Kohar
