About Me — Josh Bolstad
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt
The quote above means so much to me today for the simple fact that it used to be a thing I never considered.
I always felt inferior when I was younger and never saw it as a way I was choosing to feel.
And of course, with feelings of inferiority come all sorts of social problems with those around you. I learned from having poor, passive communication with others, just how important it is to openly expressing yourself with confidence.
I started getting high, not realizing the root reason for why I felt like I couldn’t be comfortable in sober skin. This flirting with altered states of mind would later blossom into a full romance with always being as f****d up as possible.
In high school, I began to recognize the connection with what human beings say and how they think and feel on the inside. An example of this was when this girl I was obsessed with got together with me for a short period of time.
Her last boyfriend, who she just couldn’t stay away from and ended up cheating on me with, was verbally degrading towards her. Yet, she struggled with the process of moving on.
Once, after talking about how toxic he was, she threw her hands up as she sighed and said, “But overall, it’s just better for me to be with you.”
The red flag I ignored there was her use of language. She didn’t say, “it’s far more fulfilling to be with you,” or even that she enjoyed being with me. She said it’s better for me to be with you (in an apathetic tone at that).
Now looking back, it’s obvious that she didn’t really want to be with me for me.
The lesson there was that people are in a perpetual state of revealing themselves to you through their speech as well as their body language. Becoming attentive to this is a valuable skill in avoiding hardships with other people who don’t have your best interest in mind.
I became interested in behavioral neuroscience. I wanted to understand everything about the brain and it’s role in creating human behavior.
But my love for the brain stood no chance to what eventually became of my substance use. I was infatuated with pain killers after undergoing a number of surgeries turned into a love for heroin.
My addiction to heroin was so powerful I used to compare it to what it must be like to be possessed by demons, if they really existed. Towards the end of it, I would sharing needles without even thinking twice.
I ended up serving five years in prison over situations I was involved in in that scene. In prison, that skill I mentioned earlier about listening closely to what people say was something to get good at quickly or face threatening consequences.
Listening to guys talk in there revealed to me what prisoners really think about crime. Listening to what was being said in music through the form of lyrics got me into songwriting. And listening to that voice inside of me that wanted more for my life got me in tune with who I really was.
Depression, anxiety, gender dysphoria, addiction, and many other factors contributed to recurring suicidal thoughts that never seem to want to disappear completely. But we all have an inner quitter that tries to undermine us into doing exactly what we shouldn’t be doing if we truly want to find happiness.
Although the path to get to where I really want to be in life isn’t always clear, I know it’s worth sticking around to see what’s in store for those who pay their dues.
I’ll leave you with another one of my favorite quotes.
“Today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.” — Dr.Seuss
