About Me — Joy DeSomber
I’m so quiet that oftentimes people forget they’ve met me previously
Trigger warning: violent murder mentioned, but not detailed.
This reminds me of a 5th-grade assignment called All About Me. I’ve changed a bit since then.
Growing up in Iowa, I was sheltered, and the only thing I knew for sure was I wanted to be a writer. I wrote my first full-length story on a legal pad in third grade. By the end of elementary school, I had a collection of short stories, too, and a guarantee from everyone I knew that I had to pursue something else because writers rarely made a living at it.
Like everyone, life has been filled with exciting ups and downs. I’ll mention a few episodes that stand out.
Memorable events from my teen years
At the lucky age of 13, while crossing the street on my bicycle without a helmet, I was hit by a truck and swan-dived into the road, according to witnesses. Blowing a hole in my head probably contributed to my heart stopping twice in the ambulance ride to the hospital. I wasn’t expected to wake up from my coma. Once I awoke, I wasn’t supposed to walk again.
Although no stranger to death, the first one that shook me to my core was when I was 14. The woman who had been my in-home daycare provider during my elementary school years had been killed in a terrible car accident.
During my early adult years
After high school, I was eager to travel the world and joined the Navy. I was stationed on a submarine tender for three years in breathtaking Sardinia, Italy. Touring western Europe was extraordinary, and thankfully, I kept everything in a journal from the day I left for the Navy and have continued to do so for the past thirty years.
I was the captain’s gig engineer, then the Command Physical Readiness Test (PRT) Coordinator. I was in a relationship with a highly abusive alcoholic, and we married in Italy; then, I left for an officer commissioning program in Newport, Rhode Island.
Post Navy
I left the Navy, moved to Connecticut with my husband, and had my first two children; here are a couple of snippets of our world during that time.
Soon after my daughter was born, we moved to California. The social services available in one part of the country versus another made a world of difference. I’d been trying to leave my husband from the start, and it was here that I was finally able to file for divorce.
After attending nine different colleges, I used my G.I. Bill to eventually earn my bachelor’s degree. Meals sometimes came from nearby garbage dumpsters, but my children and I were free from a person who harmed us. We had each other.
I finally came forward about my abuse and was ready to begin the healing process. My family took a hammer to my broken pieces.
My psychopathic 2nd husband
I had some interesting dates, a few of which I mention here. By far, the most charming guy I met, who I was smitten with quicker than I’d expected, was Joseph. A year and a half later, in 2003, we had a child together, and two months after that, we were married. A trip providing a glimpse into our lives together is here.
In 2004, I ran my first official race, which was a marathon. Joseph and I had a tumultuous marriage that I was trying to escape, including secretly sending money to my mom in Iowa. Joseph was arrested on Father’s Day 2006 for beating to death his boss, Fernand, and Fernand’s wife, Suzanne.
Everyone in the community loved Fernand and Suzanne. The murders occurred in their home on Suzanne’s 68th birthday, and they’d been friends with Joseph for a quarter century. Although my three young children and I were suddenly left destitute, homeless, and deeply in debt, we were free from him.
I discovered from the lead homicide detective that Joseph was living multiple lives with numerous women throughout California, and a few outside of California, most of whom had children.
Starting over
We moved halfway across the country into my parent’s drafty home in Iowa, where the four of us shared a room for the next six years. I met my half-brother, who I’d never known existed. With no child support from either of my ex-husbands, I worked up to 90 hours a week to pay off Joseph’s debt, which was considered marital debt, thus belonging to me.
I fought the IRS over fraudulent returns Joseph had filed and signed my name on. To add insult to injury, he fought our divorce. It took years to finalize, and he filed nuisance suits in California for over a decade.
I read everything I could get my hands on to learn about psychopaths.
Cancer and testimony
In 2007, I learned I had cancer a week before flying to California to testify at Joseph’s preliminary hearing. My surgery would have to wait until I returned from California. I had confidence that everything would turn out alright since both my parents survived different organ cancers, and my dad still jokes that he now has a semi-colon.
Joseph’s preliminary hearing and the subsequent trial were held one room over from where Scott Peterson’s was held. Joseph spent time at San Quentin with Scott. The similarities of our lives were not lost on me.
My nonprofit, speaking and photo exhibits
I returned to graduate school and obtained a degree in Criminology to understand criminal minds like Joseph’s better. My thesis was on children of incarcerated parents. I realized how oblivious I’d been to children of prisoners.
Many people were essentially treating the parent’s crimes as the crimes of the child through expectation, isolation, and stigma. My business partner and I started an Empowering Children of Incarcerated Parents nonprofit, which we ran for the next seven years. We held photography exhibits to highlight the hardships communities placed on the children of incarcerated parents.
We published books written by and for children in this situation as therapy in their hands and handed them out free to children with a caregiver behind bars. Our book was called What Did I Do?
I went on speaking engagements around the country, hoping to change the hearts and minds of people everywhere about innocent children who did nothing wrong.
A home of our own
In 2012, after sharing a room in my parent’s home for six years, I bought a HUD house and, using a 203(K) loan, which I quickly learned about, revamped the entire house. Each of my children had a room of their own, and it became our dream home. One morning not long after we moved in, I sat on my front step with my mom and enjoyed the serenity.
What happened next
At the end of 2015, I met my fiancé, who supports me in whatever I do, no matter what. We took a trip to Italy with my children and my mom, and I showed my kids where I used to hang out when I was their age, back when I was in the Navy. Italy is our favorite place to travel, my fiancé and I have been back as a couple since and can’t wait to return.
My kids continue to flourish; all are well-adjusted, happy, contributing members of society, and I couldn’t be prouder. They’re strong, independent, compassionate souls who understand the value of a dollar. They’re each doing their own thing; they are unique, intelligent, and fascinate me daily.
Where I am today
After COVID hit and several close friends and an immediate family member passed away, my fiancé and I realized life waits for no one. We decided to move halfway across the country to South Carolina. Our move almost didn’t happen, but that story is for another time.
Having volunteered as a crisis counselor for years, I knew I had it in me to be compassionate and understanding when responding to calls for help. Domestic violence calls, in particular. Because I had had less than pleasant experiences when I called law enforcement when I was married to my first husband, I knew I could be part of the change I wanted to see.
Law Enforcement
When we moved, I began the application process to become a deputy at the Sheriff’s Office. It was far more challenging than I’d thought, but I’m stubborn. I left for the Academy at 48 years old.
My fellow law enforcement officers are the kindest, most patient, empathetic, devoted people I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Once I graduated, as a rookie just two weeks in with my Field Training Instructor, two horrific, directly related accidents occurred in the middle of the night following Mother’s Day. Seven souls were involved, four cars.
At the time of this writing, I’m still on light duty. I touch on my recovery a little.
Now that my children are adults, I will finally publish the memoirs I wrote long ago. There’s a helluva lot more. I’m tossing out a few highlights I think you may want to know.
Thank you for reading to the end if you made it this far. I’m glad my recent accident gave me the courage to finally start sending my words out into the world, as I’m getting to know amazing people!
