About Me — SY Yeo
Who am I? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.
Choosing this writing prompt as my first post on Medium is not as straightforward as I thought.
How can I introduce myself when I don’t know who I am?
I’m not writing this to be pretentious or poetic, but I’m genuinely lost as to who I am. I’ve always heard that the twenties are about finding yourself and for you to grow and flourish as a person. Here I am approaching my thirties with none of that figured out.
While there are others out there who throw out pieces of advice like ‘life is a continuous journey’ and for me to ‘enjoy the process’, I can’t help but feel a sense of desolation, desperation and despair. Desolation in that people around me seem to have their shit already together; desperation from the invisible stranglehold of societal expectations that one should already figure themselves out at my age; and despair from the dissonance of my reality versus my dreams.
I’m now coming into almost four years of working full-time after graduating. Even after job hopping between industries and fields, I realised that I was not any closer to figuring out my life’s path. The pit in my stomach, the yearning in my heart for freedom and the anguish that I’m achieving none of my dreams is eating me up day and night.
This cannot be it. I can’t be living with this existential dread within me for the next forty years till I retire. I needed to do something.
Easier said than done.
You are a Product of your Environment
I grew up in a middle-income family on the sunny island of Singapore, one of the wealthiest countries in the world. I did everything as expected of me. I studied hard and went from neighbourhood schools to graduating from one of the top universities in the world. I got a job soon after working for the government, which Singaporeans would consider a stable job.
Having lived the life trajectory of a typical Singaporean, I was indoctrinated to always follow society’s expectations. While I am thankful for and acknowledge the privilege of being born into a middle-income family, the environment I grew up in was carefully crafted to mould and prime us into amenable and unthinking workers.
My worldview was limited to the comfortable ‘Singapore bubble’. I’ve never had the opportunity to expose and immerse myself in the world beyond our borders, to understand other ways of life. The inertia to burst the bubble is overbearingly heavy. But nothing is going to change if I don’t put in the effort to make the change.
Some Things Needed to Change
My epiphany was not a single ‘aha’ moment; it came after a gradual struggle with the internal dialogue between my heart and brain over the period of my working years. It came after countless moments of me questioning the purpose of life, after a bout of counselling sessions, after airing my grievances to my closest confidantes, and after watching countless hours of content created by like-minded people.
I realised that I was not alone. I wasn’t the only one shaking clenched fists in the air and wailing in desperation at the world. Now, I have already realised that we cannot depend on external factors to bring about changes in our lives — we need to be the force of change ourselves.
No one else is going to care about your issues as much as you. So, I decided to embark on this journey of change, to incentivise myself with small steps taken every day (essentially Pavlov-ing myself) and to inspire my lazy ass to get up and be the change I want to see in the world. To do that, I have to unlearn and relearn every single life lesson that I’ve accumulated to date.
Some Things I Needed to Change
First off, I need to prioritise myself and my self. I needed to start doing things for me and my soul. I need to become my own dictator and maestro. For too long, I’ve followed the ‘role model’ example of being a good daughter, a good student and a good worker. To be fair, I didn’t think to start questioning life till I started working full-time at age 23/24. But now that I’ve opened my eyes, I want to prioritise my inner self and start listening to her wants too. I need to understand and discover more things about myself and stand tall in my own beliefs and principles.
Second, I would need to slowly convince myself out of my procrastination habits and imposter syndrome and just do it. Nike has got it all down and flashing neon signs in front of us this whole time — and we’ve ignored such simple and sound advice? I need to create patterns and systems in my life that make it harder for me to assume my bad habits and for it to be easier to create more beneficial ones. For example, I’ve started to habitually pair my night-time skincare routine with a 20-to-30-minute meditation session.
Lastly, I needed to show up every day. The thing I’ve internalised from my year-long yoga practice was the art of showing up. Even when your nay-saying mind tells you otherwise, you need to push yourself to simply show up. You don’t need to do your best when you don’t feel like it, but just show up. That alone is progress enough.
So, Who Am I?
For those who are feeling as lost as I am or those who have decided to take back some control of their lives, join me on my journey of self-discovery and exploration. I am sure this journey will be arduous and challenging as I try to unlearn and relearn who I am as a human being. But as much as it will be difficult, it will be in equal parts rewarding.
So, rounding back to how I started this piece — who am I? I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.
