About Me — The Silent Wave
An autistic doctor charting narcissistic and psychopathic relationships and subsequent healing and recovery.
The subtitle is me in a nutshell, but it’s cool if you want more (grin).
Where do I start?
I think I’ll start here…
In March of 2016, I connected some miscellaneous dots and came to the realization that I fell somewhere on the autism spectrum. I started a WordPress blog, The Silent Wave, in which I decoded myself through my newfound self-aware lens.
That blog had three primary aims:
- To sort of journal my journey through my own process of self-discovery,
- To share what I found during those early days that were rich with research and its findings with others so that I could spread the word to non-autistic people that autism isn’t exactly/always what they think it is, and
- To add my voice to the gradually-growing chorus of other females who, like me, were suspecting or realizing that they, too, might be on the autism spectrum, and maybe they’d find my information comforting like other blogs had done for me.
The blog grew to a fairly sizable force…and then My Brain Happened.
My cognitive function took a sudden and mysterious nosedive one day in May 2017. I’m still not sure why, although I cycle between several theories. In simple terms, I think I just hit a wall. Burnout.
I was indeed burned out. Burned out of my career, burned out of my blogging, burned out of my other hobbies, burned out of my marriage…burned out of my life.
I was tired, the kind of tired that sleep doesn’t solve. The kind of tired that seems to infect you at the inner core level.
Knowing I couldn’t afford to quit my job or leave my husband and start again, I did the only thing I knew to do: go back to school. I never lost the love for the information involved in my career (integrative medicine); I had just lost the motivation for going to work at the clinic.
So I enrolled in — and have since completed — a Masters of Science degree in Human Nutrition and Functional Medicine. I struggled with my brain all the way through. It would quit on me at inopportune times of the day, and when it did, that was it. I was done for the day.
I put everything I had into school during those two years, and I ended up graduating with Honors.
And then, came the next chapter — when everything else fell apart…
The 10.5 Earthquakes
This gets a little complicated. Some might say it’s wrong, and I wouldn’t blame anyone for holding that opinion, but please do take a few steps in my shoes first.
I’d been in a relationship with a man for over 20 years, married for over 10. Immediately upon getting together, we became dependent on each other, he on me for transportation (he couldn’t see enough to drive), and I on him financially (I hadn’t completed any substantial school yet).
Once he knew he had me, he pulled back, becoming distant and avoidant. Several years into the relationship (by now we had a house together and two cats), he began lying to me, especially about money. He became more secretive.
The years click by. More secrecy, more financial deception instances uncovered, other little details pop up that don’t make sense but I shrug off at the time, mainly because I was too busy with work and then school, and besides, had I discovered anything significant, what was I going to do about it? It’s not like I could leave him.
There is a such thing as being stuck.
The open marriage
A fellow-blogger-turned-friend and I became close over the spring and summer of 2019. Very close. My husband agreed to a “restricted open marriage”. There was no physical intimacy involved with the blogger-friend (we’ll call him my “partner”), only affection, and lots of it, so it was an easy case to make.
My partner and I had started having conflicts during the time we spent together, but I was hopelessly in love, and actually addicted. Once I graduated from my Masters program, I did some digging and realized he was a pretty full-fledged narcissist.
That relationship eventually ended, and I tried to make things work one last time with my husband. We had a long talk (he usually didn’t respond much), and we came to what I thought were some mutual agreements.
The next day, it was like nothing had ever happened. I tried, he didn’t even.
I knew that was it. He was never going to change. He simply didn’t care.
I came across self-help videos on narcissistic relationships and learned that those who are attracted to narcissists are usually codependent people. I realized that that was the case for me too.
I also realized that I was never going to heal sufficiently from codependency unless I left him.
So I decided to go ahead and leave.
I secured my legal team in the fall of 2020, and that’s when the discoveries began.
One day last fall (2020), my office assistant at the clinic told me that my husband was going to lunch with someone who had made trouble for us a while back, and this surprised me. It was very uncharacteristic of him.
I decided to listen to my gut (it had piped up long ago and was now screaming in my ear) and actually do some detective work that I never want to feel like I have to do. The kind of detective work you’re not proud of, but you see no other option because you’ve tried everything else and they just put up that tall a wall.
What I found was wave after wave of a living nightmare. There was flirting via messaging, there were some unsavory videos he’d watched, and there were internet searches he’d run that, if the search results were authentic, would cross the line into criminal activity.
For my own safety, I can’t say much more about that right now.
The Avalanche continues…
I dove into some more research, and to make a long story short, after perusing multiple credible sources and educating myself thoroughly, I realized that my husband is actually a real-life Factor 1 psychopath.
I’d already been planning a divorce; this (and the rapid-fire discoveries) only clinched it.
I got my ducks in a row quickly, and went ahead and filed.
The divorce process continues, as of this writing (September 2021). It’s been 9 months since I filed.
During the Avalanche times, my narcissistic ex-partner had decided to genuinely work on narcissistic behaviors, and to this day, I believe him. He read a book by Jay Shetty titled Think Like a Monk, and this gave him the whop upside the head that he needed, got him into gear.
As we were both leveling up with our healing and self-care, we began to spend time together again. Not as partners at all, but more like a brother and sister.
He offered me to come stay with him, as roommates. I gratefully accepted, and established my boundaries and he established his.
I’ve been rooming with him since May of this year (2021). It’s been a lot to get used to, even if it’s (very) good.
Then my father died in August. It was unexpected and sudden and confusing. That one is still fresh.
Hitting the “Total Button”
Where I am now isn’t exactly a pretty place. I lost a kitty and my dad within 3 months of each other, I’ve moved and physically left my familiar household, and I’ve been rejected from job openings. I’m numb from shock, change, grief, and loss.
But it could be much worse. I can meet the base level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, I still have my job at the clinic, I do have two kitties left (there are four: one passed away, one will remain with my husband, and two will live with me), I eat well, and I practice self-care.
My roommate and I get along, give each other space, and respect each others’ boundaries. I’m just getting started on this platform and I’m really liking it so far, even if it’s a slow build. I make commitments for the long haul (says the woman who’s getting divorced — but hey, in my defense, I did indeed try everything during the span of two decades, and in the process, I cultivated a frightening degree of patience).
I’m beginning again. All over, from Square One.
Other Stuff About Me
So, I write about Asperger’s/autism, integrative health and ways to improve yours, and narcissism/psychopathy. Occasionally I’ll write about some other stuff, too; I can get very random sometimes. Some will be funny, and much of it will be more serious. There will be a combination of general information and also personal stories/anecdotes about my experiences.
I’m a geek, nerd, and gypsy, with a tinge of benign darkness that I’ve made peace with.
Graveyards are the new Starbucks, and Halloween is my favorite holiday.
I love cultural and movie references, I love conspiracy theory stuff, I love science and creativity, and I love to travel, both long trips and short ones. A lot of very remote places are on my bucket list. And Albert Einstein is my hero.
- I love music! I love to listen to it, sing along to it, play it (keyboard), and write it. My unintended criteria are that it isn’t pop music that’s been played on mainstream radio in about 10 years.
- Favorite music is little-known genres like contemporary lounge, shoegaze and nu-gaze, Aussie rock that didn’t get much exposure in the States, Canadian music, old Eurodance, and Goth Country/Americana. Favorite artists include Zero 7, Tarantella, Hoodoo Gurus, The Cure (duh), The Boo Radleys, Guadalcanal Diary, Sixteen Horsepower, The Tea Party, and others.
Books and TV/movies
- Favorite authors are Douglas Coupland, Harlan Coben, Steig Larssen, Dan Brown, John Grisham, and J.K. Roling.
- Favorite TV series include The Office, House MD, Breaking Bad, Jericho, Sons of Anarchy, The Walking Dead, Dark Tourist, Atypical, Black Mirror, Evil Lives Here, Signs of a Psychopath, and a lot more.
- Favorite movies include “The Matrix”, “Star Wars” (Episodes IV-VI), “PCU”, “Revenge of the Nerds”, the “Karate Kid” series, “Volcano”, “Contagion”, “The Blair Witch”, and many more.
So there you have it!
I also collect quotes, and I’ll leave you with one of my favorites…
Success comes from curiosity, concentration, perseverance and self criticism. — Albert Einstein
If you made it this far (or even if you didn’t), thank you so much for reading! I’m really looking forward to reading a wide variety of interesting information and perspectives from amazing people!