A Perfect Day for Beach Bums
“Bums” is the key word…
The Perfect Set Up
It was a beautiful spring day in Naples, Florida. A perfect day for beach bums. The sun was shining, the breeze was gently blowing, and the kids were in the car, ready to go. The easy part was done.
Setting up on the beach with small children in tow would be the hard part…
Once we finished unloading the van, we positioned the umbrellas, slathered sunscreen, protected the food from greedy seagulls, handed out toys…and, most importantly, watched the children.
The kids weren’t allowed into the water until the adults had everything situated.
Therefore, the toddlers and four-year-olds ran in circles, threw sand, screamed because their hands were covered in said sand, fought over juice boxes, licked the sand off their fallen apple slices…and needed to go to the bathroom.
We were almost done setting up when our four-year-old Harry approached Alan with his hands between his legs, dancing the I-have-to-potty-now-jig.
“Ok, buddy. I think the bathroom is a long way from here. Just go in the ocean,” Alan instructed.
Harrison turned and ran as fast as he could toward the water.
Where is Your Father?
I assumed Alan was watching Harrison, so I continued talking to Beth as she set up her beach gear.
Suddenly, Beth’s eyes widened, and she yelled,
“Harrison! No! No, no, no!”
She quickly grabbed her blanket, picked up her cooler, and started walking the opposite way down the beach, laughing hysterically.
I turned around to see what made her react in such a way.
There it was…my four-year-old’s naked and pale bum in all its glory.
He stood there, shorts around his ankles, doing exactly what his dad told him to do — peeing in the water. But he was only ankle-deep in the water, which was obviously a minor detail to him.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Beth cackled as she walked away; Alan…
Where was Alan? Why was Harrison peeing in the ocean without his father?
“No, Harrison! Go deeper into the water!” I yelled, running toward him.
Then I saw my husband. But he was walking AWAY from us. “Where are you going,” I hollered in his direction, pulling Harrison’s pants up. No answer.
“Alan, where are you going?”
He turned to his friend, Ben. “Do you hear someone calling my name,” he said loudly so I could hear.
“Nope. I don’t hear a thing.”
They laughed and caught up with Beth. “Did you see the little boy who pulled his pants down and peed in the ocean a minute ago?” Ben asked Alan.
“Yeah…where were that kid’s parents,” Alan responded snidely. They laughed and kept walking.
Are They Leaving?
I had Harrison’s swim trunks around his waist when I realized they were abandoning me.
“Seriously?” I yelled, throwing up my hands and rolling my eyes. “You guys are pathetic!”
“Mom, where are they going?” Harrison asked innocently.
“I assume closer to the bathroom,” I said, taking his hand again.
“It looks like they’re leaving us.”
“Yes, it does, doesn’t it?” I glanced toward them in the distance, then looked down at Harrison and shrugged my shoulders, attempting to smile. “They are a bunch of bums, aren’t they?” We started walking.
Your Dad is a Bum.
“Did you see my bum when I peed in the ocean?”
“Yes, Harrison. And so did everyone else.”
I knelt to look directly into his eyes. “You should’ve sat down in the water or gone in a little deeper and peed with your swim trunks on…”
“No, Mom,” Harrison replied, shaking his head.
“Never sit…Dad says boys stand to pee.”
I rolled my eyes. We started walking again.
“And I’m supposed to pull down my pants. Dad pulls his pants down when he pees on the fence at home…”
I stopped. “Dad pees on the fence at home?”
“All the time. We see who can aim higher,” he said proudly.
“Wow.” I shook my head in disbelief. We walked in silence for a minute.
“When you said they are bums, did you mean bum, like my butt?”
“What do you think I meant?”
“I think you meant like my butt.”
“I definitely meant like your butt,” I agreed without hesitation. “I have another word I’d like to call your father, but bum will do for now.”
