Broken, But Rebuilding
A raw look at what infidelity took from me and how I’m learning to piece myself back together
I am less than six months out from the near-full revelation of the scope of my husband’s infidelity, and I recognize and accept that I still do not know everything. What I do know is that his selfish choice was a blow to my confidence.
Am I pretty enough? Am I sexy enough? And more importantly, am I smart enough — and why didn’t I see this was going on for a year?
I’m still hiding in the house, only going out when absolutely necessary, as I am still in a hypervigilant state, scanning for threats, scanning for his side-chick’s SUV. Remember, she lives nearby. My therapist, whom I’ve just recently resumed seeing, has urged me to go out more and not let her — his affair partner — control how I move. That’s easier said than done.
I am working on daily affirmations. Not so daily, but helpful. I sit down with a cup of coffee and journal in these books my sister (who has no idea of the affair) gave me. They have inspirational covers with scriptures on them. In one, I write what I am grateful for. In the other, I write an affirmation.
Feb. 19, 2026
I am beautiful inside and out. I am good and caring. I am worthy of a loyal, faithful, loving, and caring husband who is a provider.
April 16, 2026
I am smart. I deserve success and financial security. I work hard and deserve to be rewarded for my hard work.
Losing a job while your marriage is falling apart is a bitch and a blow to your ego. Finding out your husband’s affair partner is homely, his boss, and a friend to your child is extra unsettling.
While I have been journaling about my pain on this blog, I also have been accumulating a list of attributes I want in a partner. And yes, some of the attributes on my list are born out of what was missing in my partner.
Patient
Present
Provider / financially stable
Trustworthy
A leader
Good communicator / good listener
Sense of humor
Best friend
Tells me I am beautiful
Puts me first
Takes care of me
Dates me
Always honest
Transparent
Always faithful
A Christian
Fears God
A man of integrity
Great character, especially when no one is watching
When I look at it, it seems like a lot — a job for two or three men. Hah! I guess when this is over, I will be taking applications.
PISD has a way of making everything feel louder, heavier, and more personal than it used to. Some days the healing looks like insight, and some days it looks like staying in the house and trying to breathe through the fear. But I am still here, still writing, and still rebuilding.
If you’re in the middle of your own rebuilding, start by writing down what you know now, what you need now, and what you will no longer accept.
Read more of my story and recovery essays on my blog at lizbleu.com.
