I finally found a girl I wanted to date and she said no
Last year, I saw all of my friends getting married and having kids, and it really made me realize I was falling behind.
I know this is a cliche and I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to others and I know that everybody is on their own timeline. But it doesn’t change the fact that I felt it in my bones. I needed to get my shit together. I realized that while I always complained about dating, talking about how difficult and annoying it was, my friends were out there doing the work. Everybody knows dating is hard, other people were doing it anyways while I just complained. And now I am the single friend in a sea of couples and young families.
I have had some wake up calls before. My friend David asked me why I was still single, and my response was dating is hard. Especially now in my thirties as opposed to my twenties when things were so much simpler. His response, “Well, imagine how much harder it will be in your forties.”
That one hit. It lit a fire under my belly as it made me realize that complain all I want, it will only get harder as time passes on.
James gave me my other wake-up call. James, a little older in his fifties, told me something that really scared me. He told me that when he goes on dates with girls now, he can often see a desperation in their eyes. That there is instantly a lot more pressure because they often want to immediately know if he is the one. They aren’t fucking around anymore.
I cannot handle that kind of pressure. I need to find someone a lot faster so I don’t have to be in that situation.
So I decided it was time to take things seriously. I decided no more casual dating. No more seeing where things go. No more just going with the flow. I was going to date with purpose, and I was going to find that special someone. Time to be an adult. I made a new rule: if I didn’t think it was going to work out after the first date, I would never see her again. No need to waste both of our time, just keep moving.
This was probably a mistake.
The logic made sense at the time. If I was going to be dating seriously, there is no point in dating someone if you couldn’t see her being ‘the one.’ Why waste her time? Why waste mine?
I took on this dating strategy for about a year, but looking back it was naive. People are nervous and awkward and weird on the first date. It is a very contrived situation, going from being complete strangers to having dinner together is a kind of unnatural thing. People deserve second chances. From now on, I would give people more than one chance, even if the first date was bad.
At first I was kinda annoyed by it. I think I had become addicted to the idea of going on a date and never seeing her again. But after over a year of not a single second date, it was hard to defend the current strategy and it was time to try something new.
But then something magical happened. I went on a date with a girl and she was actually amazing! I couldn’t believe it. She was actually fun and funny and gorgeous and we had great banter! And what luck! Coincidentally right after I decided that I would always go on the second date no matter how bad the first was, I found a girl who I would delight in seeing a second time. It was almost as if fate had played a role in meeting her at the right moment.
It had been so long since I had this feeling. The post date nervousness. How soon do I message her after the date? Same day? Is that too desperate? Wait a day? Maybe even play it cool and wait a few? Or should I show enthusiasm and message instantly instead? It had been so long, I had forgotten about the nervousness of not messing things up because you liked her so much. The butterflies from the possibly being rejected rather than being the one who rejects. I decided to wait until the next day.
I crafted a text. That perfect text that conveys everything you want to say without being too wordy. A callback to a joke that was made on the date. A statement letting her know I had fun. An explicit desire to see her again. If I’m being honest, I spent longer on it than I am willing to admit. I obsessed over that dumb little thing. Finally, I hit send and didn’t give it another thought.
Except that’s a complete lie, I kept checking my phone over and over waiting for the reply.
And then it finally came. “Hey I had a lot of fun too! You’re so cool and funny and a really nice guy, but…”
I’m sure you can guess how that message ended.
She was very sweet about it, which somehow made things both better and worse. But what can you do? I wished her the best and we split ways. It was a strange feeling, I haven’t been rejected directly in such a long time. Not because I’m such a catch, but because I haven’t allowed myself to experience it in so long. You can’t get rejected if you’re only going on first dates.
And now I am starting to wonder, is any girl I am interested is not going to be interested in me? Is it a coincidence that the only girl I wanted to see again has no interest in me, or is this a pattern of how things will be? Probably not the healthiest thought to have. But unhealthy thoughts will creep up when you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
So how do I wrap up this fun little tale. There should probably be some lesson that I learned from all of this and then a joke to top it off. But what should the lesson be?
That you just gotta keep trying and eventually the effort will pay off. Perhaps a lesson on how there are plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe something about self-love and not letting the toxic thoughts take over?
I could shoehorn any of those in and make them work, but honestly none of them reflect on how I feel right now. Right now, I am kinda bummed. Embarrassingly so considering I only shared one meal with this girl. But maybe that is okay. Maybe it is okay to just feel a little bummed for a while. There is a certain beauty in it. Maybe the lesson should be about how life is full of ups and downs and you just gotta keep moving forward... still feels a little contrived.
You know what, I can’t figure it out so we’re just gonna think of a good general life lesson. Everybody be kind and work hard.
Nice. It kinda worked as the joke to top it off too. Nailed it.
