ABOUT ME
I think I’ve figured Out Who I Am
Finally doing this story for My Story
Once upon a time, I was fringe…
until I had my first child and had to grow up fast.
Once upon a time, I was corporate…
and I learned to navigate boardroom tables and small talk.
Then I was self-employed and I worked even harder.
Once upon a time, I thought I was practicing minimalism…
until life showed me how to do it properly.
Once upon a time, I thought I was being a decent parent…
until life showed me how to really be present in full.
Once upon a time, I thought I was a strong, independent human…
until life showed me how afraid I was.
And then life showed me how to not be afraid of anything at all.
After working in design & tech for many years, and battling addiction, anxiety, and depression due to my own lack of self-awareness, bad decisions, and plain old ignorance… I got sober.
This led me on a journey of recovery that began in 2014 and, ultimately, into assistance and coaching for addiction and mental health.
On my journey, I found the work of Dr Gabor Maté. I’d begun to question the validity of addiction being a disease in around 2015 and had begun some personal investigation into how this all worked.
I began to use alternative theories, practices, and therapies on myself, in a bid to answer a question I could not let go of.
If addiction is trauma-related, why are we not able to heal it?
Over the last 8 years, I’ve come to take a very different perspective on mainstream approaches to addiction and mental health.
The more I researched and learned, the more I began to understand my own experience….
the more I began to heal. Properly. Not just managing my challenges anymore. I began to actually eliminate the triggers and the causes of them.
I also remembered who I am.
While some people are confused at what I am exactly, now asking things like, “How is your music going?” I reply as follows:
Um… my music is a hobby and a passion.
I make it to unwind and feed my inner artist — and possibly share some hard stuff that people tend to turn away from because it is uncomfortable.
I’ll keep doing it anyway because I do know now for sure… that everything we turn away from holds the key to more personal understanding, less fear, and more freedom if we just learn to sit with it and, even, embrace it!
So no… I don’t wanna be a rock star or a DJ.
I’m too shy and I don’t like crowds anymore.
Although I still dance a lot!
I also write.
I do this to feed my inner artist, to release emotional stuff, and, again, to share perspectives and information I feel we need to learn to sit with comfortably, so we can talk about things and, hopefully, make relevant changes through open-minded dialogue.
I’m not a professional writer.
I love language and words. And books! And learning…
What I do now, is guidance and coaching for holistic, alternative recovery and personal growth.
Some people have laughed at me due to my position on current treatments available for mental health and addiction.
Some have just called me crazy.
Some have ostracized me because my beliefs are different from theirs.
And I’m vocal about them because I care. A lot!
About people and recovery.
A friend in the 12 Step Fellowship mentioned I hate the program and was awkward picking up contact.
No.
Just because I believe in a different approach, does not mean I hate you.
And that goes for any different opinion.
I love the 12 Step Fellowship and have a deep respect for what Bill W put together. Past a certain point, however, I believe it prevents further and full recovery. But I still always suggest, to clients, that they go and start there for their journey into recovery from addiction. The tools shared are invaluable, as is the support in early recovery… and it works very well for early recovery for addiction.
Also — it is free!
And you simply can not beat recovery that is freely gifted. Something magical happens in this situation that can not be bought.
But as I began to share my findings in January 2019, I was outright accused of being nuts by some people. It was a brutal and lonely road but I continued regardless because what I had found was working.
My recovery was progressing exponentially.
Now in 2022 some of those same people ask me, when I run into them, if I’ve seen the same content I was sharing in 2019.
No. I’m not in this for the acclaim or personal validation. I’ve moved into a place, personally, where I honestly no longer need that.
I smile and nod. I agree and say that those practitioners are brilliant. And that their therapies and perspectives work! Inside… I acknowledge that change may take time. People may ignore the content. But… it becomes mainstream over time and things DO change.
This gives me hope and makes me feel less frustrated with the process of sharing the shit we don’t talk about ever. Until we do!
It’s why I still write about it here on Medium at times.
To the people sharing the things that mean a lot to them. The posts that don’t get likes. Keep on keeping on! Because a shift will happen just because you normalize things. And walk your truth.
To those who are curious to hear more about the therapies and approaches I’ve used to get to a point where I honestly have no more anxiety or depression or ANY desire to use anything that will make me less than fully present… with no medications, support groups or therapists needed for almost three years now…Say hello.
I’m vociferous because the truth is more important to me (and my recovery) than what people think of me — for real.
I am safe, honest, fucking kind, and absolutely non-judgmental.
I believe collaboration and sharing are the way forward, to get people stable, healthy, and happy fastest. And I am sane as hell.
I have not re-invented the wheel.
I’ve taken a more traditional approach to mental health — as encouraged by Jung (and more recently discovered Hillman).
This being one can’t separate problems of the mind from the whole, the environment, personal values, and even philosophy.
Individuation and integration are the way to lasting peace and serenity.
And sobriety on ALL levels.
These are not diseases or disorders. They are parts of the individual psyche that need air and light.
That is all.
So no. I’m not a DJ or a musician. Or a writer.
But being the entirety of who I am (even if some people don’t like me), and letting go of what and who I am NOT, has brought me “home.”
Hello to my fellow travelers and creatives on Medium. Thanks for letting me share!
