Member-only story
ESSAY
My Name is Not Emmaline Swallow
About me: Who am I and what’s behind my name
My name is not Emmaline Swallow.
In Chinese characters, my name is one too many strokes for a five-year-old to write. I cried and cried while I wrote out each stroke of the three characters painstakingly.
The first character is my family name, and the second and third are my first name.
But my mother would not let me stop, even if it was past my bedtime. She said we don’t start something without finishing it. Whenever I wrote my name from then afterward, the memory came to call.
In Chinese, my name meant inadequate, an illusion, a fake hope —according to some boys.
These boys had clapped eyes on my name before I made my appearance. Upon meeting me for the first time, they would tell me how disappointed they were with me, seeing the real me. “Your name sounded so beautiful! I was full of expectation! But when you appeared, well…”
This was followed by snickering.
The first character of my first name actually means “something good, beautiful”, the second character means rose.
Good and beautiful, but strong enough to protect yourself, my mother had wished while holding me in her arms…
