What If Your Best Isn't Enough?

Grad School Rejected Me

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

I was driving home from a doctor's appointment in rush hour traffic when a new email notified my phone.

I opened the notification while sitting at a red light.

This is the email I've checked my inbox for every day for the past four months.

The subject line read: Graduate Application — Creative Writing.

I opened the email and read the first paragraph.

I didn't get in.

This is a template rejection email.

The same email they sent to the other candidates they rejected.

I know this because the email is sent to a blank email address.

I texted my friend, "I didn't get in," in the middle of our conversation with no context.

"Oh, Madi, I'm so sorry," he said.

The tears started falling.

I didn't get in.

My Application Wasn't My Best

I spent months writing the 14-page sample for my application.

Then, two weeks before my application was due, I deleted everything I wrote and started from scratch.

I took pieces from previous blogs I had published and filled in details between blogs to make it a coherent narrative.

My friend from an Ivy League university edited my writing sample three times. The first draft of my application had an overwhelming amount of red lines.

We argued back and forth about edits until we started adding details that made it worse.

Then we called it.

My application was my best attempt then, but I reread it last week to see if I still believed in it.

After spending the last four months agonizing that everything I wrote was awful, I know I could write a better application now, but that doesn't negate the fact that my application was my best attempt.

I still didn't get in.

My best in that moment wasn't good enough.

I Feel Like I Just Got Dumped