What Is It Like Meeting Yourself?
Navigating society’s expectations and embracing self-discovery
I do not remember what I thought of myself when I was a student as no one ever asked me — tell me about yourself. Even this question was not asked in my first interview.
If only someone had asked me earlier, I would have understood the importance of self-discovery and the role it plays in making you a healthy individual in society.
We are all made to live life by a system designed to glue different people and communities to represent us under a banner where administration is straightforward, where it is easy to keep track of the good and bad so when someone does something wrong as per the law, they can be punished.
It is like the online payment system where we transact with people of different nationalities without worrying about local and international taxes. The third party takes care of it.
Society is the third party, consistently judging and correcting our behavior without us ever taking a moment to stop and analyze what is wrong with our attitudes or how we show up.
We all studied “ the responsibilities of a good citizen” in school, and hardly anyone ever goes back to read the basics. We have allowed external situations to dictate our behavior so we can accuse the system.
It is as if we are okay with taking no responsibility for our actions, but when it’s time to pay the price, we want someone to blame.
- My father did not let me work on the business I wanted to start
- My friend said it would not work, so I never took the plunge
- My teacher says musicians do not make good money
- As a woman, you must be forgiving of others
And the list goes on.
You have to leave this path — my therapist said this almost a year ago. She said it was the only way my mind could recover from the damage it had sustained for more than a year.
My first thought was — I pay your fee from my salary, and you definitely will not listen to me for free.
Experts say the mind is wired for survival. Your thoughts will sometimes make you puke and question the person you are. It is a good thing that some experts say you are not your thoughts. But you can never know the person behind the veil of data stored in your body and brain if you do not stop to ponder.
Like everyone else, I have been running after things — a degree, a job, a prosperous and easy life. When you have so much on your plate, there is no time to think about the person and understand their aspirations or why they act the way they do.
The traditional path for a man in my society is to find a good enough job so he can provide for his family. However, as a woman, you must settle down after graduation, and many do long before it. Though they are rarely burdened with the chore of earning well, events in the past show that this strips them of their individuality.
Of course, if you ask the majority, they would like to disregard the fact. We care for the women in our society — they claim. This care often comes at the cost of hidden or often considered to be an understood arrangement.
I met a woman in my university. On our first meeting, she told me about her father passing away in high school. During orientation, you talk to the person seated next to you as you will likely be classmates in the future, and this is how we began our introduction.
She must have assumed that we would become friends as our roll numbers were just 10 students apart. We spent a week or two together before being asked by one of our teachers to pick a project partner. I did not choose her.
I am glad she never made a fuss about it like many other girl-friends I lost throughout my education. I once expected her to argue with me during a lab session, but she just informed me of the gauge readings. That day, I learned that losing friends must have been normal for her as well. The only difference was that my reasons were different.
I never saw myself as a gifted or intelligent student, but most of my university fellows considered me one. I even got the title “Miss Know It All” on our farewell.
If they had asked me, I would have responded that I like to read and perform well in my studies. I am no different than them. This is the reason I decided not to befriend the girl I met on my first day.
Once, I casually expressed it during a discussion, to which my friend replied, you understand the problems well and come up with reasonable explanations, and this makes you an intelligent individual.
The sad part about being seen as the odd one out? — You are the odd one out. No matter how much you give, others will always see you as someone who had it easy.
This is another reason why I never understood myself. From my viewpoint, I am being kind and considerate. I only lashed out when things turned sour, or expectations of me grew past my giving tendencies. But does this not make me human? I guess not from other people’s perspective.
For years, only my accomplishments made me a worthy individual because that is how I have been perceived as valuable by the people around me.
I agree that people should have something to offer in a relationship, but this means that both parties must bring something to the table and not praise one for their qualities only to be exploited.
I’ll tell you about myself — I am a hardworking individual who loves doing things she does. Whether it was studying late at night to earn a position during my matriculation exam, keeping my grades steady in college as I recovered from typhoid, managing a student body while securing 3rd position at my university, or outperforming most of my colleagues. It has never been about the competition or somebody else. It has always been about my will and desire to do my best because I do not like the feeling of “only if I had done better.”
“The story ends up being a journey of self-discovery.” — Elijah Wood.
