How To Pack For A Weekend Getaway You May Or May Not Return From

It seems like every vacation I take, at some point I think to myself, “Is this what happiness feels like? This light, weightlessness and passing full stools instead of stress diarrhea? This feels amazing.” And then, the inevitable question: Why would I ever go back?

If you feel like this summer is the summer to take a vacation far, far away and simply never return, here are all the items you need to pack.

1. Your social security card

Just because you’ve disappeared socially doesn’t mean you want to disappear legally. ID will come in handy when you finally marry that hot Australian dude who rents out covered beach chairs.

2. A sturdy inflatable mattress

At some point, between your initial choice to flee and fully settling in paradise, you will likely be homeless. A firm, self-inflating mattress can get you through those rough few days when you’re like, “What have I done?”

3. A burner phone

You might want to contact a neighbor to feed your dog or order a whole bunch of Little Caesar’s. Pack a burner phone so you can make those calls until you’re fully settled into anonymity in your new, tan life. Remember to dial *67 so no one can call you back ever.

4. A picture of your boss

If you ever start to doubt your choice to vanish from your old life, a picture of your former boss should do the trick. Remember how he told you you weren’t ‘management material’? Or that time he grabbed your leg under the table at a client dinner and tried to say he thought he was home and he was grabbing his hairless dog.

5. A tattoo stating your blood type and parents’ home phone number

This isn’t something you pack so much as something you do but it’s a good idea. Depending on where you wind up, you could find yourself in a bathtub of ice and down one kidney. A tattoo stating your blood type and next of kin could be really helpful to the doctors in your new, tropical home.

Happy vacationing this summer, kids!

Jackie Jennings — Staff writer/actor whose work has appeared on SyFy.com, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs with GOAT at the UCB Theater. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you’re a peeper ’n’ a creeper.

Originally published at aboveaverage.com on May 26, 2016.