Sanders Slams Down Magic: The Gathering Troll Card For Control Of Clinton’s Entire Platform

As Democratic party leaders gear up for the convention this month, Bernie Sanders met with presumptive democratic nominee Hillary Clinton to discuss unifying voters, defeating Donald Trump, and defining the Democratic Party’s agenda. In exchange for a “fundamental transformation” of the party, Sanders said he would be prepared to hand over to Clinton a Magic: The Gathering troll card.

“I chose the cudgel troll,” Sanders said, “because it has a regeneration shield, which means if it’s dealt a lethal blow that would normally destroy it, it doesn’t die. That’s what this platform is all about. Trolling and then somehow not disappearing despite all odds.”

Sanders was also joined by wife Jane Sanders and campaign manager Jeff Weaver, who came prepared with their own decks. While Clinton and her advisors did not come to the table with Magic cards, Sanders assured her they would still be able to make some trades.

“We got trolls for days, Secretary Clinton,” he said. “I’m prepared to give you all of my troll cards — the horned troll, the mossbridge troll, maybe even the troll warrior Verolz, the Scar-Striped — but that depends on whether or not you’ll let me control you for the rest of your career and take credit for any present or future success. It’s a very fair trade. Right, Jane?”

Jane confirmed that it was a fair trade.

Sanders reiterated that he refused to concede to Clinton prior to the DNC on July 25th. “I have a Black Lotus, which is very rare. Trust me, I’d offer it to Secretary Clinton if I wanted to, and I’m sure she’d just love to sell it online for the $14 thousand it’s worth. But no Magic card is worth conceding. We’re fighting for a progressive platform. So yes, for now, all that’s on the table is trolls.”

Once the meeting had winded down, Jeff Weaver mentioned the old comic book store he used to own, and suggested that he might be able to throw in a very rare edition of “Batman: Birth of the Demon” if Clinton agreed to replacing all primaries with caucuses.

Zoe Schwab is the writer’s assistant at Above Average and a fraud in her spare time. Check out her semi-regular tweets at @zoemschwab.

Originally published at aboveaverage.com on June 15, 2016.