This Packet of Emergen-C Ought To Undo A Decade Of Treating My Body Like A Dumpster

Forget the calendar: all it takes is one night out at the bar with friends to remind me that I’m no longer in my 20’s. Sweatily staggering through the kitchen in the stale morning light, my bones creak. My lungs feel as I’ve survived a fire. But lo, what’s this sunny little envelope in the breakfast nook?

Ah, yes: this single packet of Emergen-C ought to undo a decade of treating my body like a dumpster.

With this packet of essential nutrients in my glass, I barely need health insurance as I literally piss ten years’ toll of binge drinking, chain smoking, and bong rips from my body. What chance does irreparable organ damage have against a fizzy, opaque glass of citric acid? Healthy flavors such as “Super Orange” and “Tropical” are but a delicious bonus when your supplement offers such regenerative properties as Emergen-C.

It will make me healthy, as I once was.

After sipping of Emergen-C’s essential corn syrup solids, I will be ready to face the day with a vim and vigor that will never hint to my co-workers the constant dull pain I feel in my abdomen. The effects of every drink and every cigarette imbibed last night (in addition to the previous 3651 nights) will be undone, and never shall I suffer the consequence of my actions. Also, it will make me skinny.

Yes yes, this single packet of Emergen-C ought to do it. I wonder how it tastes with vodka?

Originally published at www.aboveaverage.com on July 12, 2016.