What Happens When

What happens when your family legacy is made up of manipulation and malignant narcissism? What happens when you feel closer to your friends than you ever felt to your siblings? What happens when you learn that the bonds of family aren’t unbreakable and that those who’ve sworn to protect you are the ones you fear the most? What happens when your cries of pain go unanswered and your mother rushes to check on the man that just struck you? What happens when you realize you’re alone in this world?

What happens when you witness your first act of brutality at the age of thirteen and it changes you in a way you can’t describe? What happens when your only role models are drug dealers? What happens when your family becomes a group of violent criminals but you’re grateful because they show you more love than your “real” family ever has? What happens when you lose your innocence and become hardened before anyone has called you a man?

What happens when you drop out of high-school in your freshman year? What happens when you’re left to fend for yourself before you’ve ever had a chance to succeed? What happens when you start selling cocaine at the age of sixteen and carrying a gun by the age of eighteen? What happens when you savagely beat someone for handing you ones instead of a twenty? What happens when you learn that disrespect must be answered with violence?

What happens when your life is over before it ever started? What happens when you’re sentenced to eighteen months in a concrete hellscape five hours from home? What happens when you learn that prison is about fear and racial divide? What happens when correctional officers take any excuse to beat you senseless? What happens when they’ve changed your counselor five times in the past two months? What happens when your cellmate gets gunned down the second he steps off the greyhound after a two-year bid? What happens when you learn it happened because he owed two-hundred dollars? What happens when three days later they mail his mother notification of his scholarship to college? What happens when you can’t mourn?

What happens when you finally get released? What happens when you sit at home in your old room and weep like a child? What happens when it all goes back to normal and you’re left standing in the supermarket having a panic attack because someone just stuffed their hand in their coat pocket? What happens when you see threats everywhere? What happens when you’ve lost countless friends and you think to yourself “why not me”? What happens when you have survivors guilt? What happens when you think to yourself “what now?” because you never planned to live this long?

What happens when you stand around with your old friends at a wedding? What happens when you look at each other and say nothing? What happens when none of you can meet each others eyes? What happens when your friend asks you “how do we do this?” and you don’t have an answer for him? What happens when he tells you that your old life feels more normal to him than your new ones? What happens when you agree? What happens when he says he thinks of going back? What happens when you realize the system has failed so many young men? What happens when you hug him?

What happens when years later you finally step onto campus? What happens when you finally prove your high-school guidance counselor wrong? What happens when you love technology and you want to learn to code? What happens when your advisor tells you not to? What happens when you take the class anyways? What happens when you raise your hand to ask a question and people sigh and drop their pencils? What happens when you ask again and your professor calls you an idiot in front of the whole class? What happens when you love everything but feel you’re good at nothing?

What happens when you repeat family patterns? What happens when everyone you love has an agenda? What happens when betrayal feels like an inevitable part of any relationship? What happens when someone convinces you of their love so that they can squeeze a little more out of you? What happens when you give until you have nothing left? What happens when they leave because they were never really there in the first place? What happens when you’re left alone once again? What happens when you break?

What happens when you want to write? What happens when you pour your heart and soul into every word? What happens when every single sentence is a struggle? What happens when you think you should stop? What happens when others value your work more than you do?

What happens when no matter how dark it gets you still see the dawn? What happens when you learn that you’re more resilient than most? What happens when you find your inner strength? What happens when you wouldn’t trade your life for anyone else’s? What happens when you embrace your history? What happens when you learn you are powerful beyond measure? What happens when you realize you’re worthy of love? What happens when you realize it wasn’t your fault? What happens when? Can you tell me?