iPhone 5S v. iPhone 5C

A guide to making the right choice

September 20, 2013.

The day is almost upon us where much of the world, particularly America, will be faced with one of the toughest decisions this year: which iPhone do I get?

For the first time since the first generation iPhone’s reveal and launch in 2007, Apple has gone above and beyond to insult the memory of its late founder, Steve Jobs, by launching the “beautiful polycarbonate” (AKA cheap plastic) iPhone 5C alongside their typical S upgrade to the 5.

I’ve owned every iPhone since the 3G, so let’s give me some benefit of the doubt, yeah?

Here’s a quick rundown of why the 5C is 5Crap:

1. It’s plastic. Apple dropped plastic back with the 3GS.
2. It’s an iPhone 5. The front-facing camera was slightly improved and it took over the slot and price the iPhone 5 would have had anyway upon the 5S’ launch.
3. It’s too damn colorful. Just because there are parents who have clearly not read the CNN articles about kids being abducted, raped, and/or killed all from being exploited on things like Omegle and Snapchat, and still allow their 8-year-old girls to have iPhone’s, doesn’t mean Apple should support that and create a device clearly designed for adolescents.

Now let’s look at why the iPhone 5S is 5Super:

1. It’s not plastic. The 5S retains the form of the 5, minus the new pill-shaped dual LED flash and a brand spanking new fingerprint scanner that adds a sick ring to the home button. Although fragile, glass and aluminum makes for a beautiful combination.
2. It’s not an iPhone 5. Haters gonna hate, but however incremental iPhone upgrades are, they are still upgrades. The S in 3GS stood for speed, and boy, oh boy, was it faster than the brick that is the 3G. The S in 4S stood for Siri and although the app was already on the App Store, Apple’s decision to buy out the company and integrate Siri throughout the entire hardware was well done — they were even humble enough to label “her” as a beta. Finally, the S in 5S stands for “security” — and what with the enhanced security features introduced in OS X Lion and the iCloud keychain, the 5S was well thought out.
3. It’s classy. White & Silver, for the ladies and men who claim they like the “clean look” as opposed to being outright feminine. Black & Space Gray, for those who understand black is always in and Space Gray makes you feel better about it really just being gray. And new to the family, White & Gold, for those who feel their lives aren’t tacky enough.

Let’s look at a side-by-side comparison to help you determine which 5 is the iPhone 5 for you:

Blue is my favorite color, but for an iPhone? What the hell, Apple?

Evidence that there are still those who would see Jobs’ vision through.

Well, for those of you who have class, dignity, and a shred of intelligence, I wish you the best of luck in picking up a 5S this Friday.

For those of you who say “nay, the 5C is the best thing Apple has ever made and is the last thing that could possibly be a reason for their plummet in stock value!”, don’t forget your beautiful, innovative, awe-inspiring case, “hon”.

“For the colorful.”