‘We are family’ (we smile on FB)

There is no one ideal family

It’s the 1st of May and I am listening to 107.1 FM radio, as I drive. The RJ is giving little homilies in her chirpy voice ‘ ‘Enjoy your holiday! Spend quality time with your family!!”

She makes it sound like the most wonderful and desirable thing in the world.

At the other end are teenagers who believe ‘nobody understands me’, least of all my parents.

Husbands who deal with holidays by hiding behind the newspaper, behind the computer.

Wives who feel vaguely irritated at the uncooperative humans who form this family unit. They don’t sleep at the same time, eat at the same time or enjoy the same activities.

This is the Modern Family — physically in the same room, mentally elsewhere. Bodily stuffed, emotionally starved. Smilling on facebook, whining on Whatsapp.

And yet, we don’t see this family anywhere. The ads have changed a little — brands show men helping with the cooking and laundry. Some women have careers.

Market research must have said — this is aspirational, it’s progressive.

The truth is family was never a happy, shiny thing. The families of yore — with lots of siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts — had their own inter-personal issues. In a family business, two brothers worked very hard, one slacked off. But all got an equal share of the money. For many years, the issue simmered, till one day it came to a boil.

Things fell apart. But does the new centre hold?

When I was in school, the government tried hard to enforce population control. They put up posters and ran TV ads depicting ‘hum do, humaare do’ — mother, father, one boy, one girl. The new ideal. To add to that, a chapter in my daughter’s KG textbook (CBSE) showed daddy going to office and mummy looking after the house.

As a working woman, I found it really upsetting. I hope that textbook has been discarded… at the same time I can tell you, the ideal is still flourishing.

In reality there are single parent families. Families who have adopted children. People who choose not to marry. Those who choose to not have children. Families who have children with special needs. Children who have lost one or both parents. Children brought up by their extended families. Those growing up in institutions. Friends who are family.

It’s time we acknowledged the beauty and diversity of what constitutes a family. It is not just biology. It is psychology. It is a bond we create and nurture. Wound and suture.

Family is not something you can take for granted. And ‘quality time’ is not about going to malls or fancy restaurants.

It’s when one feels safe enough to open their hearts. And the other cares enough to listen.

It’s time to put that phone on ‘airplane mode’ and go on a flight of discovery -destination unknown.