Cookies, Cocoa and Star-Crossed Lovers — Putting the Shax into Xmas
With Christmas fast approaching, and the snow starting to fall (at least here in the Swiss mountains) my thoughts have turned to hot chocolate, cosy blankets and made-for-TV Christmas movies. They are my not-so-guilty pleasure — overworked city girl goes to seasonally-named small town where she discovers a wholesome cookie-scented life assisted by an estranged high-school sweetheart/local grumpy hunk with an SUV and emotional back story. The course of true love never did run smooth, and our plucky heroine grapples with major setbacks (lost cookie recipes, missing baubles, or run-away puppies) on her way to the inevitable happy ending in the snow (not a euphemism — these are family-friendly films all the way!).
The sheer number of these films means that wholly original plots are impossible — but that’s not the point. The made-for-TV Christmas movie is like a cosy hoodie: it wraps you in a warm embrace of familiarity as you watch yet another variation on Cinderella, The Prince and the Pauper, or A Christmas Carol. However, as our viewing habits change, and we demand the content we want streamed 24/7 the made-for-TV Christmas Movie is evolving. It turns out there are, in fact, people who don’t want to watch the same film with a different name five times a day! In search for new plots, the made-for-TV Christmas Movie genre has turned to Shakespeare — and with all the feuding and teen suicide, what says Christmas more than Romeo and Juliet?
A Star-Crossed Christmas (dir. John Stimpson, 2017) — also known by the less Bardtastic title The Spruces and the Pines — is a classic made-for-TV Christmas Movie. Small town America at Christmas: our returning heroine, Julie Pine (Jonna Walsh), is back from college and helping out at the family business — a Christmas Tree farm — when she meets an attractive stranger and sparks fly. But all is not cookies and cocoa in this sleepy backwater — with the recent death of Julie’s mother (what is it with Shakespeare and missing mothers?), the feud between the Pines and their neighbours (and rival Christmas Tree farmers) the Spruces is stronger than ever.
In the Capulet corner we have James Pine (Tom Kemp), recently widowed and just about holding it together. His first Christmas without his wife and childhood sweetheart set to be scuppered by a missing family heirloom — the star for the top of the tree. In the Montague corner we have Dave Spruce (Ken Cheeseman), and his hapless out-of-town nephew Rick (Nick Ballard), drafted in to help with the Christmas rush. Remember the attractive stranger? You guessed it, Rick Pine. Rick and Julie, our star-crossed lovers. No masked ball for these two but a meet cute orchestrated by Martha (Kathy Harum), the local baker, in the role of Nurse/Friar/Prince acting as matchmaker, go-between, peacekeeper and (spoiler alert) romantic interest for Dave Spruce. Their eyes meet over a badly-tied Christmas tree and a coffee and donut to go. Baseball bleachers take the place of the iconic balcony scene.
The festively-named Holly (Sarah Fischer) stands in for Benvolio, whilst the strong and dependable Bear (John MacGregor) plays an equivalent role for Julie (the opportunity for an ‘exit pursued by’ joke was sadly missed). Both fill in the backstory like an in-film prologue: “Stay away from the Pines” Holly warns Rick, “our families have despised each other as long as I can remember… it’s personal”. Somewhat predictably, Rick and Julie aren’t the only ones breaking the rules in a cross-family romance as Bear and Holly are found having a (family-friendly) fumble behind the hay bales. In case we are under any doubt that we are in Romeo and Juliet territory, Bear laments that Rick and Julie’s relationship is doomed to failure: “Ever heard of the Hatfields and the McCoys, Romeo and Juliet? They all die” — at once referencing both the fictional couple and their legendary American real-life counterparts. And the film doesn’t shy away from allusions to Shakespeare’s text either, with Martha warning (in the style of the Prince) that she “won’t have your silly feuding in my shop” and James Pine riffing off Juliet’s “what’s in a name” with the killer observation “A Spruce is a Spruce: they are all the same”. Dave Spruce too gets in on the allusions act: “Pines are soft and thin, the branches bow under the slightest weight. Spruces are a noble tree. Know the difference: it’s our family name”, and urging the grieving widower James Pine to “be a good father and keep […his daughter] in line”.
However, this is a made-for-TV Christmas Movie and while an emotional back story is obligatory, the actual act of death must be confined to the (unseen) summer months. A Star-Crossed Christmas becomes the comedy Romeo and Juliet was destined to be before Mercutio dies. The feud is limited to grandstanding old men building walls and entering into Christmas tree price wars. Meanwhile, the younger generation engage in hilarious pranks — hanging Christmas trees upside down and defacing signs with silly string. There are no Lurhmann-inspired petrol station showdowns in this film. No one is banished. At the risk of ruining the predicable happy ending — Rick and Julie, our Star-Crossed lovers cheat fate and in a Christmas Cliché epilogue enjoy a totally seasonally appropriate outdoor Christmas wedding a year later. Their nuptials are not without some considerable assistance from an ancient love triangle resolved by a letter from beyond the grave and the miraculous return of the missing star, in a convoluted final scene that would have done Shakespeare proud.
Is this the finest Shakespearean film adaptation? No. Is this the best Christmas movie you will watch this Christmas? Also, no! But the audacity of a cookies- and-cocoa Christmasification of Romeo and Juliet make this film essential festive viewing for any Bardophile.
And in case you want to avoid spoilers — next on my Christmas/Shax list is Thadd Turners’ fantastically-named Rodeo and Juliet…
