18 minutes of pain; a lifetime of gain

Yesterday I did a TEDx talk for the first (and probably last) time. It was a massive privilege to be invited to speak at TEDxKingston because it’s the largest TEDx outside of London and had 900 people in the audience. Of course that made it even more stressful!

My ‘normal’ role in life is as No 2. Running a creative agency for many years helping global brands and leaders shape challenging communications messages is being a great No 2. Helping CEOs craft their keynotes and messaging is being a great No 2. Supporting organisational redesign and cultural change as I do today is being a great no 2. Sharing other people’s stories even if it’s just on Facebook, is being a great No 2. Running online summits and podcasts where you’re interviewing other people is being a great No 2.

All people who started out their career in professional PR as I did understand that your key role is being behind the throne to help other people and brands shine. You are an enabler. I never had much time for PRs who became personalities in their own right. Somehow it seemed to defeat the objective of the job. So it wasn’t without trepidation that I set out on the TEDx journey when invited.

The most appealing TEDx talks are those in which the speaker shares something of their own personal journey. So my first obstacle in trying to craft a talk was confronting my age old challenge of emotional intelligence. As someone who grew up in a family that held the mindset ‘consider anything but don’t cry in public’ and ‘God helps those who help themselves’, I am someone who avoids vulnerability and emotions like the plague. Unlike Brene Brown who had a slugfest with vulnerability and vulnerability won, this is still my idea of hell, however hard I try!

Having spent my lifetime promoting other people’s knowledge, products, brands and ideas, my natural tendency is always to showcase other people’s work and avoid sharing my own views and opinions (even if I have been able to shape any — that’s always a struggle) or promoting anything about myself. I’m a natural dot-joiner and expander. And a crap salesperson. I can take someone’s original idea and make it bigger, wider, deeper but the story my mind tells me is that I’m not an original thinker. It feels awkward and uncertain to stand up and say ‘this is my story’ or ‘this is my opinion’. I’m ashamed to say I ducked that challenge and fell back on joining the dots between other people’s stories.

I made the mistake of not challenging the title the organisers gave me early on, even though it was making it difficult for me to write. I fell back to being a people pleaser and servant. I score very highly in psychometrics under Service To Others so no surprises there. I wrote probably 22 completely different versions — so the good news is I have another 21 talks in the bank if I ever want to try this again (I don’t)!!

I did battle with my age old ego challenge of wanting to stuff every bit of knowledge I have into an 18 minute talk. When you grow up without affection for being who you are and you happen to be quite bright, you can easily develop a tendency to try to attract attention by being the smartest girl in the room. It becomes your default self-esteem bolstering method.

It also wasn’t easy to make choices for an audience I didn’t know at all from 200 different case studies in my book, which would be likely to be the most interesting stories to tell. I have no idea whether or not I got that right.

After many anxious weeks of trying to decide what to say and how, I have to be honest and say I almost pulled out. If it hadn’t been for the fact that being chosen is an immense privilege and you have an absolute duty not to let the organisers down, I might have. In trying to craft an idea worth sharing, I felt I was falling into ‘soundbite city’ traps and not sharing anything that was important or valuable to the audience. But you can never really tell because the only thing you really know about a TEDx audience is that they will be interested and smart, not what they will be interested in.

So I did something I would never allow a client to do, and re-edited in the last week. Again.

Some time last year I did a new psychometric profiling tool test. I’m always interested in what they will show, and this one was probably better than many others I’ve ever done. It digs deep into your subconscious through imagery as well as traditional binary questions. It pulls out natural strengths, natural potential as well as fragile strengths — those you have learned to be good at. It suggested a lifelong battle raging inside me between being a great No2 — my fragile strength — and being a leader in my own right. Apparently a natural strength. I have felt uncomfortable about that ever since.

Doing the TEDx talk was, in a way, part of a challenge of trying to see if I could stand up as me rather than as a representative of others’ collective ideas and stories joined together to create a new story. I have to say in that challenge, I failed, but that’s ok. Perhaps sometimes it is too late to teach an old dog new tricks!! I so wanted to be able to enjoy the experience, but in the end I wasn’t able to.

So what did I learn?

I learned that when it comes to emotional intelligence, we’re all a work in progress. Including me. And I’ve still got some way to go.

I learned that I still rely on my default comfort zone of knowledge rather than emotion when it comes to my self identity.

I learned that there is still value in being a dot joiner and that sharing the stories of other people and companies is still what I do best.

I learned that I still don’t think highly enough of myself to showcase me but that it’s ok and I can let go of the feeling that I have to be a leader of anything. I can go back to being good at being a No2 because ‘good’ is good enough. I don’t have to be great.

I learned I still have a way to go when it comes to finding a balance between my commitment to myself and others to do the best job I can and letting go of outcomes.

I learned that you don’t have to be good at something yourself to be able to help others do it well. I’m a very good speaking coach but not such a good speaker. Which is good to know because it helped me bust a myth that I’ve always believed you couldn’t teach someone to do something you hadn’t done yourself.

I was surprised to find on the day that so many people presented with note cards or iPads. At no time was it ever suggested to me that would be ok, so I tried to memorise as I would have taught my own clients to do. So if you ever do your own TED talk, it might be worth asking. One of the great talks of the day was Ali Hannon who did a tremendous performance but had her iPad to make sure she didn’t miss anything of the incredibly poetic speech on how we see gender.

Yesterday I listened to some truly amazing stories.

Marieme Jamme, a UN SDG Goalkeeper who runs I Am The Code to help 1 million girls learn how to code was incredibly moving as you could see and feel the pain she has overcome from living on the train platforms of Paris as a young homeless refugee to being a successful businesswoman, change maker and leader.

I loved the final talk by Judith Ish Horowitz who founded the intergenerational nursery Apples & Honey — such a moving story of how children and older people can invigorate each other’s lives.

But probably because I’m am emotionally intelligent dolt, I was most fascinated by the statistics study of the NHS by Dr Robin Fawcett which clearly showed how the problems are down to increased demand from preventable illnesses of people under 65 rather than ‘older,sicker’ as presented in the media and how we could save the NHS by just by living healthier lives. It was beautifully crafted and well delivered. Without having to state the obvious, it was a call to us all to live healthier lifestyles if we truly want to save the NHS rather than relying on continued cash injections to meet the cost of treatment of preventable illnesses.

Rebecca Lowe’s incredibly funny story about cycling through the Middle East was a marvellous way of challenging how we see the picture of Muslim life painted through the media versus the reality — a recurring theme throughout the day.

I don’t regret signing up for the TEDx challenge. At every TED event I have ever been to, I have learned something new, had my eyes opened, been challenged and met some incredibly interested and concerned human beings. It may be broadcast as a media but it still has a place in sharing the stories and voices of our times. I’m super grateful to the organisers for giving me a chance to speak, and even more grateful for another life chance to learn and grow.