How I Finally Made Frenemies with My Fear
And learned to go after what I want
I want to talk to you about fear. Not the boogieman, the monster in the closet kind of fear. No, this is much worse than that because this fear lives in your head and your heart. And unlike the boogieman, it’s very real.
But before I get into it, maybe I should introduce myself. My name is Anne Alexander-Sieder and I’m an actor, mom, wife, and dog mama. I’m also an American who happens to be living and working in Germany — but I’ll get to that later. For now, you should know that all I ever wanted to do was act. I trained as an actor and then…
I was afraid to fail so I made all sorts of excuses on why I shouldn’t do all sorts of things like, move to L.A. (because the people are fake and people are only interested in me for how I can help them or so I thought. I mean, there are people like that, but there are also really great people, too).
Instead, I moved to Rome. Yep, Rome. The funny thing is, once I was there I met some other Americans who were working there as actors and voice-over artists, and then I started to find work as an actor, too. In hindsight, this is because I found my “tribe.” A group of people who were at a similar stage in their lives to where I was but had the added advantage of being in Rome long enough to know where to go and who to talk to. And this was a loooooong time ago. I’m talking before cell phones and definitely before the internet. Not having the world at my fingertips made things more difficult on the one hand (I couldn’t just google “casting directors in Rome,” and there was no such thing as actors access or backstage. All I had was my community, word of mouth, and a couple of magazines for ex-pats, but it was enough.
I earned enough to scrape by but that was okay. I didn’t need much. I was in my early 20’s and happy to be alive, in love, and Rome. I was “living the dream.” Not everybody’s dream, but my dream. Eventually, the rose colored glasses came off and I ended up moving back to Chicago where I stayed for a couple of years chipping away at my career.
I had some disappointments and some successes. I was slowly but surely making progress and yet, I knew in my heart, I wasn’t doing all that I could do to really “go after” my career. I made a lot of excuses why I wasn’t right for a certain part (so why bother auditioning) or that the part wasn’t “right” for me (who knows what I was thinking — it was a long time ago. In fact, more than 30 years ago). Somehow, I managed to score a role in an equity theater piece, and then I got a Mcdonald's commercial and was able to join SAG. The commercial paid enough to get me great health insurance. But I think both those jobs had more to do with luck than talent.
After a couple of years back in Chicago, I was on my way to Rome again to visit friends and I met my husband in Munich on the way. That’s a long story and I’m sure I’ll tell you about it sometime but I’m trying to stay on track here. Honestly, Germany was the last place I ever wanted to be (I even made a huge detour around it the first time I traveled in Europe. But life is funny that way. Sometimes the things you spend the most time and energy trying to avoid are exactly what you need. I’ve been here for almost 27 years now (and I’m still married to the same guy, too).
When I got pregnant with our son, I thought, “well, that’s it. I’m done acting I guess.” But once again, I met up with other ex-pats who were working as actors over here and slowly but surely began to get work. I mostly did voiceovers and presenting but the money was great and I was always home in time to make dinner. Most of the time I even took my son with me to work. It wasn’t what I imagined when I dreamed of becoming an actor but I consoled myself with the thought that, even if I didn’t have my dream career at least I was earning my living as an actress ( and I loved — still love — being a mother).
I tried to occupy my creative energy with painting, mosaics, learning interior design, sewing, jewelry design… you name it, I did it. I am the queen of the Life Restart. But nothing held my attention for more than a couple of years. I didn’t know it then, but I was trying to fill the void that acting had left. It wasn’t until my son was sixteen and didn’t want to hang out with me anymore — weird, I know, that I realized he was growing up and didn’t need me in the same way. That freed up a LOT of my time… and got me thinking about what I really wanted.
And the answer was what it had always been. I wanted to be an actor. An actor who earned her living in front of the camera or on stage, not behind a microphone. It’s not fame I’m chasing, but connection. Let me tell you, there is no feeling in this world like the moment when you click into a role and the audience (even if it just consists of the crew) starts to breathe with you. It’s like we all become part of something bigger than any one person. It’s a very addictive feeling so I chase it. Sometimes it’s just out of reach (and that’s when doubt about my talent creeps in). But every once in a while I’m able to get hold of it and all the struggles are worthwhile.
So, I made the decision that I was going to give acting another go. I started by getting myself the training I needed to feel confident in my skills as an actress again. That took about a year and then I started meeting other actors (always a wonderful resource) I decided to say yes to every job — student film, whatever, that came my way to get comfortable in front of the camera and to build up my showreel. I had mostly been a theater actor when I moved to Germany, and besides, the few things I did have on film were so old they didn’t represent who I was anymore.
I set goals, I got an agent, and I got work.
I can’t (and don’t regret) taking the detours I took. Who knows where I would be now if I had packed up and moved to LA when I was 20 instead of moving to Rome? I can’t begin to imagine my life without my son and husband. I’m very grateful. But after dedicating the first half of my life to my family, I want to dedicate the second half to myself.
According to the dreaded logical thinkers, I was a fool or worse, ridiculous for restarting my acting career when I was 46 — the age when a lot of women, after dealing with years of ageism and discrimination, are getting out of the business. But so what? I think if I were younger, I may have let people’s opinions ridicule me into staying in my role as a “mom and wife.” But that is one of the advantages of having lived a while. I know that the worst thing that could happen is that I fail or rather, I don’t succeed. So what?
I’ve also learned that everyone is afraid sometimes. It doesn’t go away with age, experience, or success. It’s always there trying to trip you up and keep you in your place. When I realized this, my whole perspective shifted. If I’m never going to get rid of the fear, then I might as well accept it and get on with it. I decided not to let fear stand in my way. It’s welcome to watch me from the sidelines but I am not going to allow it to block me.
Do I still deal with fear? Of course! And it’s two cousins, doubt and procrastination, as well. I doubt myself all the time. I am constantly telling the voice inside my head to shut up. I’m an imposter. Can I do this? Am I talented? Am I too old? Do I deserve this? When will it be my turn? All the questions.
Doubt loves to plant the seeds of uncertainty in your mind. But the truth is, you don’t need to be certain to do something. You just need to do it. If you put yourself out there, you’re already in front of 85% of people who are still trapped in a corner listening to doubt and procrastination tell them all the reasons they should stay right where they are.
I’m not going to lie. I still have my battles with the dreadful trio. I even kept putting off (procrastination anyone?) writing this article because I wasn’t sure what I needed to say and it wasn’t going to be perfect. You want to know something else I’ve learned? There is no such thing as perfection and sometimes good enough is good enough. Just do it. Take the risk.
I’m sure by the time I’m done with this, I’ll have learned something new and the next one will be better.
What’s the moral of the story? What am I trying to say? I guess what I want you to know is that if I can restart my acting career in a foreign country at 46 years of age and be a working actor then you can go after your dreams, too. There is nothing special about me. Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” There is so much truth in that.
Don’t let your fear of failure keep you from trying. People generally don’t regret the chances they took. It’s the chances they let slip away that keep them up at night wondering, “what if?” Everything is possible. Instead of telling yourself all the reasons why something won’t work, turn it around. You’ve identified the problems so ask yourself what the solutions are. So much in life is just a perspective shift. How about you? Are you going after your dreams and if not, why not?
