‘So, I’m bipolar’: 9 tips for dating with the condition
The fabric of most happy long-term relationships is woven with dedication, consideration, patience, mutual support, and increasingly, Netflix marathons. Romantic relationships with partners who have bipolar disorder (BP) are no different.
There’s a misconception in the media that patients who have bipolar disorder are ‘not fit’ to be in relationships. Bipolar disorder (previously known as manic depression) is characterized by the alternation of depressive episodes and manic, or hypomanic episodes. Mania is when someone has abnormally elevated mood along with some other symptoms like, increased energy, being very talkative, irritable or distracted.
They can sometimes even lose touch with reality. This is different to hypomania, which is less severe and often people can still function normally. Between episodes, there can be long periods of time without symptoms.
BP affects about 60 million people worldwide. Nearly 3 out of every 100 Ada users with mental health conditions reported symptoms of a manic depressive episode. The key word here is episode.
“It’s rare for someone to be bipolar 24/7,” explains Ada medical expert Angela.
The Argentinian Ph.D. specialized in psychiatry in the Universidad Nacional de Cuyo, Mendoza, and spent five years working as a hospital physician. She explains, “Bipolar people can go through long periods of normal behavior before experiencing an episode.”
Having worked closely with BP patients, Angela says, “Like diabetes, bipolar disorder is a lifelong illness that requires treatment and visits to the doctor, but it doesn’t need to define you. Manic-depressive episodes are illnesses that happen to people; the patients are not to blame.”
She continues, “the experiences are completely independent of willpower. The only way to manage it is with treatment and transparency.”
Angela shares her suggestions for maintaining a healthy relationship if you or your partner have BP.
Tips for bipolar partners:
Talk openly about BP with your date or partner whenever you feel comfortable with it. Like with any aspect of your life, there is no golden rule that you have to disclose sensitive information on the first date or the tenth. Explain that there will be periods of time where you are affected by the illness and that you’re going through treatment to manage it.
Avoid blaming the illness for non-related daily behaviors. You’re an autonomous person. If you’re not able to keep plans or commit to things, avoid resting the blame on your illness. It’s possible to cancel just because you don’t feel like it or say no because you genuinely don’t like someone. Take ownership of your actions in the same way anyone else would in any other relationship.
Know your triggers. Stress, drugs, alcohol, drastic changes in treatment — these are all possibilities that provoke an episode. Make it clear that these things are not causes of your illness, but things the two of you should be aware of together.
Commit. Like in any other relationship, you have to be constant. Remember dates, make plans, think long term. You won’t be ill all the time, it’s just a phase.
Tips for the non-BP partner:
Ask and prepare. Talk to your partner about the best course of action for before, during and after an episode since the solution can’t be sorted out when it occurs. Ask how they would like you to respond. Ask what triggers should be avoided, e.g., sad movies, specific social environments, alcohol or drugs.
Speak with tact. Don’t directly tell someone they are crazy. Go slow. Avoid aggressive confrontation if your partner is experiencing a manic or depressive episode. Calmly and logically talk through any extraordinary, illogical sudden ideas they might have. If that doesn’t work, distract them with a more manageable exciting idea, such as eating something new or visiting an undiscovered part of town.
Look for early signs. Before a significant episode, your partner may show some early indicators that their mood will change significantly. Ask what early indicators might be such as sudden mood changes, unusual hyperactivity, lack of sleep or change in appetite.
Avoid infantilizing your partner. It’s not uncommon for the non-BP partner to make all the important decisions, such as where to go for dinner, managing the finances, and imposing their will. Control is not done with bad intentions, but it makes it harder to have a healthy, balanced relationship. Don’t dismiss your partner’s opinions. Instead, offer support and talk about the disorder openly.
Remind them during a depressive episode that this is not their life! It’s not their fault that they feel this way and it won’t last forever. Tell them that they will return to a healthy mood soon. After an episode, remind them the next day of their actions (they may forget) and gently recommend seeing a doctor if the behavior persists.
Angela reassures us that we’re living in a day and age where it is possible to live a healthy and fulfilling life with a mental illness. Normalizing the disease in society is the first step towards helping people with BP. As a patient, your perception of your illness defines your success in life and relationships.
If you or someone you know has been affected by any of the issues raised in this article, or you would like to find out more information about these conditions, you may find it helpful to talk to your doctor or local medical health professional. Additionally, you may find the following links helpful:
Understanding bipolar from the NHS
