Diabetic Cyborg Life: Honesty and the Power of Caring
My honesty of my blogs and vlogs has the benefits of readers giving thanks
“Hi Adam, thank you again and again. You are a gift.
What you share makes a difference in our lives. Minuscule or mighty big.”
I responded to her post with:
“Wow, thank you so much for telling me this. I doubt if anyone cares sometimes, but you and others on here let me know that I make a difference. Thank you for responding and reading! I am truly talking to a wall when no feedback comes. Honestly, I would probably still talk to me favorite part of the wall if no one ever responded, but the fact that people are listening and it helps them is THE reason I post these blogs and vlogs.”
Then she responded with even more affirmation of my thoughts of my posts worth:
“I’m sure people do read and care even if there’s no feedback. Sometimes we simply don’t know what brightens our day, or humbles us, or fills us with gratitude. It isn’t till we hit the sofa on a chilly evening that epiphanies present themselves. So yes, what you share does resonate.”
This interaction shows me that the past conversations I had about my posts making a difference with people are true. People will find these blogs and get strength from them.
Her pieces says, “I know life struggles … being authentic to yourself is one of the most important things that we can do on this planet earth.”
She goes on to make clear that our authenticity is the most important we can do to live and be successful and happy in life.
“…I urge you to answer the most fundamental question that a human being can strive for: Who really are you?”
This all connected to an interaction I had on twitter before about authenticity:
The other day on twitter user @AliciaMHendley at replied me asking what authenticity means to me:
“Authenticity means everything to me. It is the muse and my creative force in my life. Honesty is my life now. I write a blog and do a vlog about my life as a job now. I am nothing without authenticity.”
You don’t just want to stare at a blank page and force it to come. Everyone can tell when you do that and the product is not so good afterward.
Many now try the not caring approach to life these days, and I recoil and am saddened when I hear them say that they “don’t care.” I get if you suffer from anxiety and depression and you find that saying it is a way alleviate pressure you feel. Though I simply cannot subscribe to the “not caring” wave of thought. I have to care about my life and health or it will fail me and defeat all I fight for. Yes, I see the hypocrisy of that statement when I talk about suicide and the thoughts of committing the act, but that is why I have the mental health issues I have.
This duplicity of my thoughts and actions are also the reason I think I suffer from board line or bipolar personality disorders. My diabetes and MS require that I care about daily tasks and thoughts I have. The diabetes alone means that I have to make decisions that can kill me or hospitalize me if I error too much in my daily actions. Moreover, I think that compassion and kindness need for us to care about a lot. I try to show both with all my thoughts and activities now. I must care about my health and life to function and be who I am now. My heart felt die hard belief in optimism also hampers my capacity to “not care” about things, since I believe that things will turn out okay.
I do have times that I have my doubts about things regarding my health. Times of doubt are due to mental health issues or the fact that I face so many ups and downs in constantly dealing with my diabetes and MS.
I wrote a poem that some might question the logic in sharing that relates to my feelings that have about my honesty and authenticity to the people reading my blog.
I include after a short explanation so people will not worry the poem. I said that this was all and internal dialogue and I only share to grow and learn. Since I feel I only grow from things if I have to answer for them. I also said I like to show that I don’t hide or not tell all that happens with me, so here is the poem:
“Talking Myself Out It”
I am shut away in the bathroom while they want to celebrate,
I just want to function like a human being with a measure of regularity,
I hate planned events … I always have disaster pants or something at the worst time,
A full-blown panic attack sets in with suicidal intentions,
“All you have to do is end it,” I think,
But I know that I am just freaking out since I feel that I am hold their fun,
“They would be so much better off without me around,” I think,
But I know I am blowing a simple thing in a literally life and death situation,
This is a horribly simple/dumb thing to push me to that,
Focusing on the possibilities of tomorrow help talk my off the preverbal ledge,
I laugh off the who thing and marvel at my quick movement to such a mental debate,
I just cleanup, change and take part in the happy times,
I just know that I talked myself out of a regrettable mental debate,
And hope that better times are coming and optimism will get me there.
Just a word about this poem: This was all internal, I only share to grow and learn. I feel I only grow from things if I have to answer for them. I also like to show that I don’t hide or not tell all that happens with me.
I do not regret show you these thoughts and emotions, as these all make me who I am. The mental picture of me as a person is more honest since you know I have these thoughts.