Oct 19, 2019
Diabetic Cyborg Life: Kindness & Life
Response to my last post on the life and the unrelenting health issues that come at me is very dear to me. The diseases that make my life all the more difficult are just obstacles that life holds for me. Keeping them in check and stable and keeping my mind from seeing nothing but the bad is like a full-time job.
The reality that is my life now is something that I wish on no one. Really things are much better than they could be if my health was even worse, and I was unable to get help from the Social Security Administration and the Human Health Services of Texas. Not having to work my disabled body to failure is something I am happy that I don’t have to do.
The resources that aid me to live and function have their shortcomings, but they are better than not having anything at all. Or is it?
Feelings of dizziness are becoming more and more common with me recently. I swear at time I feel like I am feeling the earth rotating and spinning on its axis. It never gets as bad as vertigo or being sick, thankfully.
The thing that bugs me is whether this is the new “normal” with whatever progressive form of multiple sclerosis, or MS, I have now. Whatever form of MS I have is enough to show as progressive to my “general” neurologist. That means to me that it must be apparent that things are really not right with my brain.
Hopes are that I can get to a specialist in time to keep things from getting too bad. Honestly, still being able to walk, use my hands and have most of my mental faculties working still is a good thing. I just wonder if and when that might be an issue and I need a wheel chair and even more assistance to function.
The great unknown of things I guess is the biggest thing that I really wonder about.
My hopes of getting help to stay awake longer from the meds that my neurologist prescribed for me was defeated. My insurance decided that the meds were not for my condition. They say that I don’t need modafinil since I am not a shift worker or suffering from sleep apnea or narcolepsy.
The fight to keep awake until eight at night so far is a big fail. Usually I am lucky to make five in the afternoon without having to head for bed. Caffeine is no help to me past noon for any noticeable energy. Staying up “human hours,” or when the sun is up seems to be senseless fight and only roughly twelve waking hours is another aspect of the “new normal.” My MS has made so many things normal now I guess the state might never be stable.
A frankly terrifying thought came to me after celebrating my thirty-six birthday recently. That idea was that I would be long dead if I did not start eating healthy after the 2005 diagnosis of that I was a type 2 diabetic. As I said before, I was way underweight and really unhealthy.
My belief is that had I not stopped eating sugar and carbs that all the junk food and fast food I ate my weight would never increase. I already looked like a walking skeleton andwasn’t processing the food I ate. All my digestive system did was make diarrhea.
It did not matter how much Imodium I took, my system was so messed up then. I remember taking over ten pills to get something even close to solid. Lord knows what damage I did to my liver by taking so much of it. I assume that is one reason my liver enzymes are still evaluated every blood test I get.
Much of this was talked about in a pervious blog, but my recent birthday just made me think about this. These thoughts are comforting to me as I continue to try to get an MS specialist appointment from the PCP by a prior authorization. Yes, I do face many challenges. I deal daily with chronic illnesses and the defective health care system of this nation and this state.
However, my life’s experiences with health and living make me just want to keep going and surviving. One interminable thing that will not cease to fail my family and I yet is hope for the future. This optimism is all that makes me not freak out daily when things happen to me or I notice something new concerning my health.
Family and friends play another part in this optimism that I rely on so heavily now to keep a cool head and stay the course to keep living. I honestly think that I am still here thanks to developing good eating habits and relying on this group of close family ties and the “digital family” I have. That group of course is you the readers and everyone that comments and tries to add to the cheers that make my world possible. Thank you all!
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