Diabetic Cyborg Life: My Chorionic Existence
Another magnetic resonance image, or MRI, of my brain stem will happen soon, and personally I expect to hear that more lesions are firing. The tremors xor partial seizures that keep me up a night lead me to think that more lesions must be the culprits. Hearing otherwise would not be a let down, but it would still pose the question of what are the tremors all about then?
Worrying about those days before the MRI is only a waste of mental power, still I do that because I can’t help but wonder. They are keeping me up half the night with the tremors/partial seizers. The images might have a say on whether I actually do have primary progressive multiple sclerosis, or MS, but I will have to wait to see what they show.
The chronic diseases that shape and manipulate my life, health and mental health are MS and majority depressive disorder, or MDD. A Preoccupation of whether my blood glucose, or BG, is what it needs to be always causes anxiety. A continuous glucose monitor, or CGM, could rectify that, but truly the constant calibration and worry if it is right compels me to not want that again.
Also, my current Medicaid Texas coverage does cover supplies for a CGM I never heard of and don’t want. That unit is also a pump portion and my current insulin pump I love. The good report from my endocrinologist also leads me to not want to change pumps anytime soon.
That new medication Lamictal, or more accurately the generic that I would get, Lamotrigine is not covered by the health insurance I have. Not getting those might be for the best as a side effect can be Stevens–Johnson syndrome, or SJS. The resulting skin issues of toxic epidermal necrolysis, or TENs, are honestly frightening when you see the photos.
The life threatening unexpected result is enough to make me want to keep taking the sodium robbing Escitalopram for anti-anxiety and Diazepam for sleep and tremors. The former makes it necessary for a daily does of egg-drop soup, which I love, and the latter is not as effective as I might hope. The SJS that might kill me is all I need to be okay with my current regimen of Escitalopram and Diazepam.
To be honest, the Aubagio is said to be like a mild form of chemotherapy, and that means that is like poison. That Lamictal, or Lamotrigine from what I see online is like another type of poison also. So, my choosing not to take that is just my refusing to take yet another form of mild poison.
Yes, both medications have actual medical reasons they do what they do, but so might other forms of toxin. My health is at a state where I feel stable and that counts for a lot in my mind. Adding more venomous substances might be needed one day. I guess I will just take heart in the sense of mind that I have doctors I trust and I am okay with things as they are now.
This might all be rationalizing the reality of the Texas Medicaid insurance not covering the Lamotrigine. Still, the current seemingly stability of health is a sane sense of at least a cease-fire of complications of my MS. However, the MRI might stir it all up in a psychological sense.
Keeping the mantra of living in the now, and good always wins ought to keep my mind form going too far into the abyss of depression. Focusing on the day and trying to ward off negativity ideas or worse false beliefs of self-talk and self-sabotage that might arise in my psyche.
Those untrue views can at the least make us depressed or at the worst end in an emergency services call. We are just open up our minds for harmful notions that can harm and waste our energy. Making the personal choice to keep from slipping into that toxic cycle of venom can make us its lackey, but we must say NO!
Decide now that we are not being the tool of our destructive ways and never let the cycle, or break the progressions we might be stuck part of now. Whether or not the progressive MS that affects my body is secondary or progressive, I must strive to survive. Deciding that I will do all that I must do in order keep living for my family, friends and you.
This blog may well be all I leave in the way of the story of me. That optimistic turn I chose was one I never fathomed I could make. Truly, I don’t know if it is age or feeling that I looked death in the face the night after my diagnosis at the hospital. Positivity and constructive thoughts are what I am now and would not change that.
The courage that I think we all need to have to just be ourselves is something I justly credit my MS for. Cure my MS and diabetes and I no doubt would still be who I am now. Regressing back to the nihilistic once that fear of self is gone sarcastic being I was does not seem likely.
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