Battles of Overcoming Pefectionism

Lesson #1

I recently discovered that I am a recovering perfectionist. This is a theme threaded throughout my life. People would call me “Ms. Perfect”. Or say, “Vanessa, you need to give yourself grace. You are a perfectionist. And that’s ok. But remember, you will never perfect not being perfect.”

The only difference between then and now is

A) I’m finally ready to admit I struggle with perfectionism, and
B) I’m finally ready to admit perfectionism is not a strength.

So part of this blogging journey I've embarked on is facing my fears wrapped up in my perfectionism and sharing the lessons I learn along the way. Even now, I’m trying to figure out how to organize these lessons in a step-by-step, “perfect” format. However, I have a feeling this journey is going to be messy, hard to follow, and raw if I let it to be. Sooooooo here goes nothing.

Lesson #1 Perfectionists operate as if love is earned.
Love worth pursuing is not a love that’s earned.

“Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, and sports.)” –Brene Brown The Gifts of Imperfection

I have learned that this mentality is not unique to me, but a culture that our American society encourages and fosters. Be smarter, prettier, more talented, more creative, affluent, stylish, the list goes on and on. As you pursue perfection, only then will you find love. And when love isn't knocking at your door, do more things to earn the attention you crave.

I watched this mentality manifest itself into my relationships. I discovered what to say, what to do, how to act, and how to look to get the grades and recognition I wanted. So if it worked in school, why wouldn't it work in my relationships?

I became the master of disguise. I learned how to put on the right mask, how to play the right role, how to maneuver myself onto the pedestal to be the trophy a guy would be proud to have on his shelf. Talking with a friend the other day, I discovered I am not the only woman who had this “skill”. This friend described it as “having a manual for every guy”. She said she would read what type of person they were within the first week, pick which manual to use and apply it. And then, she said something beautiful, “I’m tired of being a chameleon.” She was ready to embark on a journey where manuals didn’t inform who she was and what decisions she would make. Being the person you think others want you to be is exhausting.

I've learned that love isn't about seeking approval. It’s not something we earn. It’s something we find within. It’s something we can give ourselves. We already are who we are meant to be; we just have to be willing to set that person free. When other people’s thoughts, judgments, and opinions come our way to hurt our feelings and influence our perspective, we have to acknowledge the pain and move toward truth. Leaning into the person we already are. Knowing that what we do is enough. Knowing that we are enough.

Not every voice entering into our thoughts is truth. We need to choose to listen to the voice we want to define us. The voice that says you are worthy. You are beautiful. You are everything you are supposed to be and more. And that is more than enough.

My life and choices helped shape who I am, but they do not have to be apart of what defines my future. Believing I am enough, believing love isn't earned, believing I am worthy—it’s all a constant battle. It is not a one-and-done life lesson. I don’t know that any life lessons are that way. Some days are harder, some easier, but it’s a constant choice.

At times, I find myself reverting back to these old habits and thoughts. Whether it comes in the form of seeking approval or making choices in hopes of pleasing those around me. In those moments, I do my best to dust myself off, get back up and keep moving towards truth.

So give yourself permission to fail, be gentle with yourself, and keep going. Love that’s worth pursuing is not love that needs to be earned.

You are enough.