An Introvert’s Guide to Removing the Grossness of Networking

Networking sucks. Whether it’s done passively when you’re still working or actively when you’re aggressively looking for leads, there’s always this sense of grossness and artificiality.

And that’s why it’s almost universally hated. I know I still dislike it, and there’s this little voice in the back of my head still every single time I’m about to leave my apartment for a networking event.

What’s the point? It’s a waste of time. I probably won’t meet anyone who’ll be able to help me anyway. The relationships are so fake and awkward. I probably won’t maintain the relationship , and so it’ll be useless even if they could be helpful in the future.

Honestly, these are all valid concerns. And I can’t begin to count the amount of hours that I’ve wasted because of them. But that’s not because networking is useless. It’s because the way I was pursuing networking was useless.

The issue was that I knew what my problems with networking were, but I didn’t think to change the way I approached it to address them. Somehow, I had internalized that there was really only one way to network and so I just kept ramming my head against a wall that was clearly not going to give way.

So what did change things?

Realizing that I’m an introvert, and so that I should network as an introvert. This doesn’t mean that I can’t talk to people or go outside, it simply means that in terms of energy — social events with people below a certain relationship threshold tire me. So that means:

• Don’t shotgun events, every event will drain your willpower. We know we need to go, so make sure that when we go that it counts
• Don’t try to network with everyone, not only because that’s most often the introvert’s worst skillset but because it means you’ll spend more time on introductions than actually establishing any type of conversation
• Avoid the groups. Noone is succeeding in those, there’s just too much noise to establish a connection. Those are only suited for recruiters to answer questions and hand out material. Not long-lasting professional relationships.

Prioritize my own preference and definition of relationships. Even though only a minority of us are psychologists, it’s amazing how many of us are able to pick up on the subtle cues of when another person is inattentive, does not care about us, or is fake. And we can feel this too, that’s why we feel awkward and disgusted when we find ourselves behaving in such ways. That kind of interaction will never lead to a good mutually beneficial relationship unless both sides implicitly agree on those terms. I’m almost positive that those sorts of situation only exist in exaggerated Wall Street movies, and only those most sociopathic do it in real life. In other words, be authentic:

• Connect as a person. You don’t have to share your life story, the connection can even be having the same frustrations in your line of work. That’s why the topic that connects people most often is a professional goal or dream. It’s the perfect mix between personal and professional.
• Aim for the “professional” friend bucket, not the “friendly” professional. This doesn’t mean be crass, it means try to develop an actual friendship but centered around your professional lives. A real friendship may foster as a consequence, but that’s not the goal. You should be shooting more to be the one they think of if they have a startup idea or open position — not the one they ask to go out for a beer. Most people try to separate their work and private lives, so if you become the latter that may actually work against you.

Keep in touch. If there’s a real relationship, it should come naturally whether it be by sharing an article or continuing a conversation. If it’s not as frequently maintained, systemize it via a schedule. This keeps the bond warm. You don’t want to be the person who goes radio silent for a year and then shows up just to ask for a favor.

• Make a list of people you’d like to maintain contact with. Set a schedule/interval in which you’d email them to update them on how you are and initiate a conversation. I recommend New Years as it transcends more or less every cultural or religious belief.
• Some people create newsletters and just send it out to all the contacts. This can replace or supplement the tip above. Personally, I enjoy receiving them but can’t see myself doing the same. That could be because I’m more of a private person, but also because I feel it is less personally tailored.

And yet unfortunately, there’s another part of networking: the ones that are artificial because there’s no way around it. I’m talking about reaching out to recruiters and HR when there’s a certain position you’re interested in. Whether it’s at a company recruiting event or through Linkedin, I’d be lying if I said that we can ensure that those will be able to be made into real authentic relationships or be built on such. The fact of the matter IS that you’re reaching out precisely for that very specific purpose. Not only that, but most likely you’re under a quickly diminishing time limit because the position is limited and current.

In that case, the trick is to realize that the grossness is… okay. The recruiters know that, they’re being contacted by dozens of other people doing the exact same thing (this doesn’t mean don’t do it. You want to be in this pool of dozens of people rather than the thousands not). How do we approach this with our sanity and yet maximize our success then?

Authenticity. Just like before, is our answer. There’s no need to try to force or fake some sort of fake similarity. They know what you want. You know what you want. Be straightforward. Be brief. Be understanding and professional. More than likely, you’ll beat out 90% of the other emails trying to worm around how to indirectly ask for referral or coffee meet. Yours will show that you’re assertive, respect their time, and mean business.