I Wrote an Absurd Letter To My Favorite Absurd Author: Tom Robbins

For anyone who isn’t familiar with Tom Robbins, It’s extremely difficult to explain his essence. His novels are seriocomedies that explore philosophical ideas in the craziest of approaches — teetering on the edges of streams of consciousness but with a narrative. He’s famous for writing Another Roadside Attraction, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues, Jitterbug Perfume, Skinny Legs and All, Villa Incognito, Still Life With Woodpecker, Half Asleep In Frog Pajamas among many other titles.

I am currently undergoing a paradigm shift in my life due to contemplative depression that impelled me to take a 2-month leave of absence from my 9–5 work as a business analyst. During this leave, I will attempt to sort myself out through pen & paper therapy — hence my frantic expositions of thoughts & ideas shared online.

For some reason, I felt the urge to write and send the following letter (snail mail and all, because carrier pigeons are no longer in business apparently. Forget about the dog whisperer, who the hell trained pigeons to carry letters?! and while we’re at it, forget about the OJ murder mystery, who the hell let the dogs out?!).

But I digress. The following is the letter:

Dear Mr. Another half-asleep skinny-legged jittery-bugged incognito wood-pecking flying Tibetan cowboy and all,

If a person is involuntarily knighted with the honorary title of being someone’s Spirit Animal, what title is given to the person bestowing said forced knighthood? The benefactor of this Spiritor–Spiritee relationship?

I have no idea why I was compelled to write to you. I couldn’t even think of an appropriate call to action to justify this letter, like “Hey, any advice for an aspiring young writer?”…nope — it’s as absurd as asking you for advice to cultivate, what Spinoza calls, divine madness (italicized for dramatic effects), you can’t teach it. “You either gots it or you don’t kiddo” (sleazy 1950s Hollywood showbiz manager accent). Nonetheless, a man can conjecture…

Perhaps after reading your books I felt a striking kinship with all that is Mad –
subconscious, chaotic, deeply human, and very very rude. Perhaps this kinship diminished, even if marginally, the chronic existential loneliness that’s uniquely innate to the human condition…and maybe the cat condition too…

My cats are definitely endowed (enmeowed) with higher self-consciousness based on their wailing meows, reverberating with the existential angst of the tragedy, that is, the cat condition. These little beasts of burden are shouldering the weight of painful self-awareness; the realization of their slow yet inevitable demise, their nakedness, guilt, and shame, compounded with the inability to communicate it! It’s like having one foot in the ignorant animal bliss of the garden of Eden and one foot out in higher human consciousness, existing in wakeful sleep paralysis…or maybe they just want cat food and are just pretending. Who knows?

In any case, I just wanted to write to you and say “Hi” — compelled by something, unbeknownst to me, but most likely daddy issues.

Your Spiritee,

Hosam