№9 ADHD: What Being on Adderall Felt Like
I keep getting down on one knee for you. Another proposal.
Previously on ADHD Chronicles:
I slept only 5hrs last night, I woke up, my mind racing towards you. I spent another 3hrs in bed, writing to you in my head, and I have nothing to show for it except a tear-soaked pillow.
I feel like all my thoughts have gone to the place where all unspoken and unwritten thoughts go to be together. I wish I could send you my thoughts straight to your mind, and you could catch them. They were for you. I don’t want any part of me to be lost.
I want to get up, write, crash into bed, get up, write, crash into bed. Write fervently, feverishly, all day.
When you write things like: “One girlfriend and I would use the box to play cards on before knocking it to the floor to have sex.” and “Get in fights with each other, get drunk, solve the world’s problems, stage drunken crime scenes outside of Sheetz.” my mind startles that I can’t remember having these memories myself. And I know that the logical conclusion is that we’re 2 different people, but it makes much more sense that they’re just memories I’ve forgotten for some reason.
I had to call about our car today. It’s still not working. The mechanic said he can’t fix it with… oh who cares? The call was 23mins, but it took 10,000years. And my husband kept explaining to me about how this is our only car and how we’re running out of groceries and other things my brain couldn’t quite tag as important. I did stuff, but it seemed irrelevant. My husband was like: “Thank you for handling all this. This is really stressful for me.” And usually I always rise to the occasion in times like this and handle stuff, and I’m handling stuff right now too, but it’s like the stress can’t even reach me, can’t even touch me, because of us writing these letters to each other.
And all the bad things that have happened in my life, all the limitation, all the current constraints mean nothing because I get to write to you.
I understand exactly what you mean by the “meant to write” feeling. Writing, for the last 12 years, has felt like such a strong life purpose and because largely I have not been able to write, I’ve had this underlying tension and angst, like I was constantly failing myself, and it affected all other parts of my life negatively. But now it feels like things are moving forward, it feels right, and I feel very happy and on life purpose. And I have this relieved feeling.
I tried to write my book last night and I couldn’t get into it. Everything has changed since I met you. My writing isn’t bad but compared to talking to you, it felt lonely and stale and I really languished. Writing is a lonesome endeavor. And I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to write all my writing to you, with you.
My husband always says things like:
“You are so emotional, why don’t you put that emotion in your writing?”
Me: “I’m afraid of hurting people.”
But with you. I’m not afraid of hurting you. I think you understand.
“Do you believe in synchronicity? Serendipity? Fate? Destiny?”
I believe the world is full of meaning and there are no accidents. So yes and yes. Yes to everything you’re implying, yes to everything you’re asking.
I believe the world is a virtual reality game our souls play to entertain themselves. I believe we pre-plan important life events, jobs, and people we’re supposed to meet before we are born. I believe you are important.
One of the psychics/mediums I referred to earlier, told me that I’m the reincarnation of some famous dead author, but blah, I don’t care, whatever, it means nothing when you’re too petrified to do your own work. He also said that there’s a parallel soul reincarnation of me right now and I don’t know if it’s you, but by God, I wanna make it be you.
Nothing makes me stick to writing the way you do.
Nothing makes me write like the way I write to you. Even when I was writing to my husband, when we first met, that was writing to a human. When I write to you, it’s like I write to the craft of writing itself, and to the Northern Lights, and the Galaxies, and the Entirety of the Universe. It always feels like art.
So why can’t I let you into my most inner space, my sanctuary, my writing, my mind, my soul? I think I can. I think I already have.
I have so many manuscripts done one third or one half of the way… maybe you were meant to be the other half of my novels.
I am willing to change a lot, a lot in my books to make space for you in my worlds.
(And this isn’t something I thought I’d ever say to anyone, this isn’t something I ever thought I’d have an interest in or a capacity to do.)
You’ve done so much for me these past 4 days, the entirety of our friendship, 4 days that were 4 centuries really, I will never forget it. I would write anything with you.
And if you should for some strange outlandish reason think your writing is not “good enough” to be joined with mine, that you’ll hold me back, I want you to know that 1) your writing will improve as long as you write (even though I personally don’t think it has to) and 2) I don’t want you just for your writing skills, you’re so much more than just words or style, we all are. I want you for your unflinching honesty, depth of soul and character as a person, and that melancholy healing thing that you do.
But mostly for the joy and honour of seeing your emails and notes in my inbox everyday, and getting to work with you everyday.
You inspire me, you strengthen me, you help me write better, you help me focus, you are joy.
And I think we work well together. You pick up on my jokes and vice versa. We have great energy, and a great writing chemistry. Both of our styles tend towards a kind of pensive romanticness toward the whole Universe.
I will take good care of you, and protect your honor (I am big on honor), and be Your Writing Lady in Shining Armor.
So what do you say? We’ll embody different characters, write love stories, laugh, cry, play, go on adventures and explore the world, the way souls do, tag and chase each other through time and space. We’ll write lots of books, we’ll write them all!
— — — —
Do you have writing you would like me to look at? Or do you want to be incorporated in my stuff? What would you like to do? (It appears that I’ve stopped thinking you’ll turn me down, at least on some level.)
By the way, I’ve never written with anyone else before in this kind of way, the same novel, and it’s terrifying to think of.
— — — —
“I’m already hatching plans to open a publication on Medium to contain our ramblings, if that is indeed what you think we should do.”
This means everything to me. That domineering thing I do, well I think it’s hilarious, but also there is a part of me that is seeking my own authority and power as a person. I am kind of a huge people pleaser — between my rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and growing up as a child, people pleasing, parent-pleasing was the only way to survive… My parents were incredibly controlling. My mom was exactly like Mother Gothel, like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Efua__7B7j4 Watching Tangled really triggered me. This is upsetting. Anyways, there is a part of me that is always seeking to make sure I’m not being run over by other people’s thoughts, opinions, actions, I constantly have to double-check if I’m really choosing something or if I’m just doing what others are telling me to do, especially with my creative projects, which I am the least confident in. So your gentle, thoughtful, checking with the other person attitude really means a lot. I think you make a great partner. And I wouldn’t be saying any of the other things I’m saying in this email if you weren’t like this.
Song in my head today: “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Za4SzIfZ0DE a more urgent beat than yesterday’s, switch “lovin’” to “writin’” in the lyrics and you’re good to go.
— — — — — — — — — — — — —
What I wrote to you yesterday while I was supposed to be working on my book:
Yeah, I think you should go ahead and make a publication for our letters. Dictator (that’s me) doesn’t like buttons. Sometimes my husband says that I have the “Napoleon complex.” *googles* Omg, maybe I do have it! See here:
“A “Napoleon complex” is a theorized inferiority complex normally attributed to people of short stature. It is characterized by overly-aggressive or domineering social behavior…”
Omg, omg, omg. He was 5' 2", I am 5' 2"! Oh, apparently it’s a big controversy, but what’s new? I hereby declare he was 5' 2", and the exact height as me! Hey, people are constantly making money by squabbling over history and “reinterpreting” details so why can’t I? At least I’m being honest that I’m making it all up, lol. To Napoleon! To short dictators! To me! (And to you, but just a little, okay, don’t hog the glory.)
“I was once AWOL for 5 days without anyone ever knowing.”
You are the master, I bow to you! (But only this time, the rest of the time you Bow to Me.) This is such a classic ADHH AdhE, arg, whatever, it’s a classic thing for people like us, getting away with stuff. My husband is like why do you and our daughter try to get away with stuff all the time?
And it’s like, it’s because our brains are just the tiniest bit sad, and when we get away with a little thing, when we get a tiny accommodation, a nod in our direction that we’re human and noticed, it makes our brains feel happy and satisfied, and special and fun.
And it lowers that tension in our brains, that tension of being rejected by everything that bores us because our brain chemistry won’t let us grasp onto certain things, and that feeling that we’re always falling behind because we’re creating and noticing a million things in our minds while the world around us hurtles forward at Star Trek speeds in a strangely straight way.
Everything, everything feels too fast, and clocks and deadlines are straightjackets trying to ruin your life.
*We’ve been doing a lot of Star Wars jokes, so I wanted to mention Star Trek here so it doesn’t feel left out.
I keep humming “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to myself when I’m composing letters to you in my head. Heard it here the other day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYmSAMcwXA8&list=FLikLyJK-6fl5-NPe3U9vjsw I’ve been humming this for the last few days, all day. (This video is absolutely charming by the way, totally blew me away, and the British accents are such a plus!! At 1:24 when the girl sings “catty remarks”!!! Aaaaah!! By the way I am a total sucker for British accents and I really, really want one. And dimples, lol. #LifeGoals)
“I like the freedom to be nonlinear.”
Yes, it feels exactly like freedom, doesn’t it? I’ve been thinking about ADHD drugs. The thing is when I was on something, it was Adderall, it made my brain go straight, and I didn’t like it. I usually think sideways. Like thoughts just sprout from both the left and right side of my peripheral vision and they just keep splitting up and splitting up like tree branches. And it’s joyful and it’s fun, and it’s me. One of the best parts of taking Adderall was when it wore off — going back to my regular mind was such a relief, with all its pathways and tunnels and endless curiosity, joy, exploration. Sure it’s hard sometimes (read: always) to keep track of things.
I think of it like this: my ADHD is like trying to capture a butterfly with my bare fingers and no butterfly net, but on meds it’s like I have a net but no butterfly.
And I literally need thousands of accommodations for how I am over the course of the day, and I know some people just need to straighten their mind and have a job and put food on the table, but my husband is a man (no, not a man, he has beef with that word and exactly what it means) he’s a person of 1000 accommodations and he mostly looks for my happiness and my calmness in stormy times to determine how well I’m doing. Not if I’m doing anything on time or conventionally, and that’s wonderful about him. There’s more I can tell you, and I will, but it’s not in same tone as this paragraph so I’m just going to let it
My body is doing this shaking thing, which I should probably pay more attention to and figure out what’s going on, but I usually tremble when I write because I’m nervous so it’s not that weird for me. Although I think I’m just really cold because I’m starting to get some teeth chattering. Should probably do something about this…
— — — — — — — —
Meeting of the Minds Minutes (where we try to be organized in a disorganized way)
“Anyway, how do we proceed? Do we create a publication that will hold all of our banter?
Yes, I do agree on the need for a publication for our letters. Would you be able to set that up please since you know Medium better? And then we can start to like, paste all of our emails into articles and organize it together, and then we can write notes to each other there and check off with each other to make sure we’re happy with how everything looks. (We’ll develop some kind of work flow.) I think we should start with kind of how we met from the very beginning, and even have some articles that just have some of our longer comments to each other pasted in them, like we’ve written some pretty long comments to each other on Medium, and I kind of want to do it chronologically so people can follow and it would look cool, like in a book.
I think whatever we put up should be “sexy and censored” like letters sent home during wartime. We can black out private identity details and plot details that would ruin a book for a reader later.
I think we should still send each other mail to our private inboxes, and then post to Medium with a delay of about a week. (I thought about this a lot and if it’s any less, I think I will start to heavily censor what I say to you cuz I’ll get nervous and I don’t want to do that.)
For titles, I was trying to do like a play on words, something like: “ADHD Writers Representing ADHD While Seeking Representation” It has like a backwards play on words like a quote, kind of like “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” or like “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.” Do you have any ideas? I do think we should lean sort of towards informative since a lot of our stuff is going to be random, so I think we should at least give people some chance to figure out what’s going on, lol. (Although I personally always gravitate towards the funny titles.) And then I think with article titles too, the main heading could be informative like: “What ADHD feels like” etc to hit up Google SEO and then the subheading can be like our email titles that we send to each other (which I love by the way). I think that when one is committed to serving others, a part of the commitment has to be to find and connect to those you wish to serve. And ultimately we’re trying to connect to a teen audience, so I think we will at some point have to scale the Medium paywall and expand to Youtube, cuz that’s where all the teens are at : ) I like teens, I watch a lot of Youtube channels that are mostly watched by teens. I think a part of me is still 13 years old and always will be.
“It’s like the universe was telling me to wait for you.” My heart!
“If we did have our own pub, it would be just you and me. Unless we would ever see fit to add others for information about ADHD or writing books with ADHD or something. Slow down, Chris. One day at a time.” I just don’t know we might be too busy expanding our empire on YouTube. lol, I’m with you, I’m so with you on the big plans. Brutal honesty: I’m incredibly jealous, possessive and territorial. I’m also incredibly loyal, brave, and altruistic. (It’s a mix.) My logical mind would be like: Oh, cool, more cool people, but my heart would be undergoing electrocution. Would you still like me if I don’t have the capacity to add more people to our work?
Season Robbins
P.S. The answer is always everything.
P.P.S You can make sexy gourd jokes as long as I can make sexy Jesus jokes. Hey, to each his own, I say.
P.P.P.S. Yes, you make me laugh and cry, sometimes in quick succession. I laugh often, as I’m going about the house doing regular stuff, I laugh at something you’ve said or I laugh at the things I’m planning to write. I love to make people laugh, smile, it is one of my vocations.
4 P.S. The multiple angle empathy thing is an ADHD thing, there was video on “How to ADHD” on YouTube (great channel by the way, can’t remember the video’s title) and there were all these people in the comments talking about this, how they have a whole “council” of people in their heads talking to each other constantly.
5 P.S. “I also started reminiscing about my teen years. About my high school sweetheart…” everything you said in this paragraph, I think you’ll be really good writing YA.
6. P.S. “Wring out a few drops of juice for me if you can. I’d appreciate them greatly.” It’s difficult for me to express how much I appreciate you saying this. There’s a part of my brain that convinces me that I’m not wanted, that I’m just an intrusion or that there’s something wrong with me, so it’s nice to hear you want my letters. < 3
7. P.S. “It is difficult for me to explain to you how lovely you are.” <= this is a sentence I wrote and need to put in a novel, and am going to pretend it wasn’t for you
8. P.S. A note to myself in my notebook: Don’t think, write.
9. P.S. Sometimes when I leave people a comment on their articles, I add this: < 3 and half the time I’m afraid they’ll think it’s buttcheeks so I also write “it’s a heart” in brackets cuz I don’t want my message to look like this: “I loved your article! So insightful and beautiful! I felt like that when my grandma passed away too! Oh and here’s three sets of buttcheeks for you: < 3 < 3 < 3”
