My mum and ADHD
It is impossible to raise a human without making any mistakes along the way, without leaving just a smidge of unresolved trauma to spice up your early twenties before the real adult shit hits you. Even if it were feasible, I doubt you’d find such an example among the ADHD community. After all, to my knowledge, ADHD is hereditary. Chances are at least one of your parents was dealing with some the traits which mark your ADHD as a disorder and they didn’t have the benefit of a diagnosis. They have the added burden that our symptoms are often regarded as parenting failures.
I remember once attending an ADHD support group, which actually turned out to be a parents-of-people-with-ADHD support group. It was full of mothers and fathers at their wits’ edge and terrified for their child’s prospects. These parents were watching their children get in trouble with the law and the school systems. They looked beaten and I really felt for them. They were very pleased to meet me. I think I represented hope for the future: an adult with ambition, not locked up, not knocked up, not cocked up too badly. For which I have my parents to thank, and because it is Mother’s Day, particularly my mother.
I love my mum. Mum, I’m sorry if any of this seems critical. Is it even possible to write about your upbringing without criticising your parents? Even if they were perfect, the child’s complaint would just be: “they are too perfect.”
My mum looked after me very well. Perhaps a little too well if I’m honest with you. If I ever needed anything doing — a college application, clothes buying, figuring out public transport to another city — mum was there to do it for me. When it was suggested first by a taekwondo instructor and then by my year 3 teacher that I may have ADHD, my parents took me to get diagnosed as quickly as possible through private healthcare. Once I had my diagnosis, they had to arrange an import license for the long-lasting methylphenidate which you couldn’t then get in the UK. They did a mountain of reading. My mum made my life as comfortable as I could reasonably expect it to be. My parents even went to great lengths to help me do my homework, though by age 13 I was quite good at hiding it away. Despite my greatest efforts my parents saw to it that I sat all my GCSE’s even when I deliberately missed the start of my geography exam because “screw this.” When I was thrown out of sixth form for not working hard enough my mum personally sought and found Access to Music York, where I had some of the happier years of my life. New city, new school. The school had dogs! It had whole days set aside for me to come in and jam with other musicians. Because I enjoyed it so much I got a distinction, which is far better than any scrape-through grade I would have got staying in sixth form.
My mum’s diligence stopped me from sliding into the trap of underachievement which often marks ADHD. Through all this she has some difficulties of her own in dealing with daily life. She will forget something if she does not write it down. She will sometimes get angry if she’s interrupted while working. She gets stressed easily if you upset the plan or start solving problems that are better left alone. I personally believe she has undiagnosed ADHD, though she seems certain she does not when I approach her about it. She holds her sometimes traumatic past responsible for these quirks in her nature, and perhaps she is right. I don’t know that my mum could be said to have underachieved in her life. She was a pharmacist (briefly), a mother of four, a theatre nurse working in cardiology and now supports people with learning disabilities. (I can personally attest she’s brilliant at that last one.) She’s seen a lot of life and it hasn’t beaten her to date.
So thank you, mum, for making the first two decades of my life excellent. Thanks for having me. And crucially, thanks for being so open to the idea of ADHD and for acting when you did. Happy Mother’s Day.
I sent this to mum for her approval. This was her reply:
Thank you for my lovely tribute. Dad and I do not agree with all of it but I always wanted you to form your own opinions. Do remember that DNA traits can make a subtle contribution perhaps combining with past or other factors to produce a result xx I love you and remain very proud xxx
