Ode to ADHD

Start turning.

Round and round,

until you forget the beginning, and the end.

Go faster, and your world becomes a blur.

Go even faster, and you think “If I just hurry-up, it will all stop.”

Now stand still.

Trace the path of queasiness in your stomach.

Recall the things that didn’t happen, and the mistakes you’ve made.

Now bow your head and let shame wash over you.

Buckle at the knees. Submit, and experience every failure in slow, painful detail.

Shout — perhaps — scream, “ENOUGH!”

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen.

Music ripples through your body. Embrace emotion that consumes completely, shudder at the intensity.

Now open your eyes.

See stretching shadows. The setting sun dreams of escape from darkness.

Start to move.

Feel your pulse quickening, your breath deepening.

May be there is life, passion and promise? Feel your skin tingle, your head lighten.

Move — breathe — move — breathe.

May be there is hope? See beauty others take for granted.

Move — breathe — move — breathe.

Rolling, rushing thoughts of everything, and nothing drift away.

I wrote this after a recent experience of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been unable to counteract the effects so far. I thought medication for ADHD would solve many of the challenges I face. Although it is helped considerably, my hard-wired brain is not keen to let go of many life-scripts embedded over 40 years of undiagnosed ADHD.

I would be interested in other’s experience of ADHD and Seasonal Affective Disorder and what has helped? I often feel like a rare, precious Orchid requiring constant, specific environmental conditions to thrive. I rebel against feelings of weakness and sensitivity to such an extent that I apply denial, and a veneer of toughness to bulldoze through problems — with unsurprisingly damaging consequences.