All I Have to Do is Stay

“I’m leaving.”

A moment of silence came between us after I said those words. I looked at him, and he was not surprised, nor was he expecting it. For a few days, I have been going back and forth on whether to stay in my home country or to leave to study in the United States. I decided to leave, thinking it might be the best choice for me. He did not say anything but the disappointment was slipping through his gaze when he looked at me.

I am an international student, and I have been doing online classes throughout the fall semester in my home country. My daily life consisted of me sitting at my desk from morning until midnight, studying. I rarely watch Netflix or hang out with my friends because the COVID-19 lockdown forbids us from travelling. Many of my friends said the situation made them lonelier and more stressful as we were stuck in our room. However, I did not go through the same, thanks to him. From the moment I woke up, he was the first person I looked for. We would be on video call for hours until bedtime. We did homework, had meals together, watched movies, or just talked about random stuff. On my worst days, when I had my emotional breakdown because of stress, he would always help me get some rest. Unfortunately, he enrolled in a university in my home country. He will not go to the United States with me; the now familiar routine will be broken.

The lockdown has prevented us from meeting in real life, and it’s getting more and more difficult. I wish I could spend more time with him before I leave in January. I can’t imagine being thousands of miles away from him, with a 14 hours time difference on top. How am I going to stay there for three year and a half years, trying to save our relationship so that it will not collapse? For the last few days, he begged me to stay because we only have each other. He is not wrong, and half of me is trying to hold on to him, but the other half of me is dying to leave for a new country, and a new future.

I know that when I leave, I will miss him terribly. He is the only person who knows me, the true me. I’m not just a very happy and bright person, but also covered with scars and filled with wicked sides. I wonder what it feels like to stay a half world apart from your loved ones. This is the thought that brings me to The Penelopiad, specifically the passages that talked about Odysseus parting from Penelope. I see Penelope in him, especially when Odysseus decided to leave for the war. Penelope responded to Odysseus by saying, ‘Will you have to go?’. Her thoughts then went on with, “I was devastated at the thought of having to stay in Ithaca without Odysseus. What joy would there be for me, alone in the palace? By alone you will understand that I mean without friends or allies’’ (The Penelopiad, 11, p. 42). Those words reminded me of what he once said to me, how lonely he would feel. We only have each other. He also sounded almost the same as Penelope when he added, “What fun would be left for me when you’re leaving?” Yet, the difference between Odysseus and me is that while Odysseus had no choice but to leave because he said, “I swore the oath,” (The Penelopiad, 11, p. 42), I have the option to stay because I can do another fully online classes for the next Spring semester. He begged for me to stay, knowing I had the choice to do so. In the end, I choose to leave.

A lot of people said that a long-distance relationship is challenging and most barely make it. I believe the crucial part of a long-distance relationship is trust. However, reading The Odyssey taught me that even if with the presence of trust, you will still doubt your loved ones and worry if they may not be true to you. In The Odyssey, there was a scene where Odysseus asked about Penelope when he met his mother, Anticleia, in the underworld. He asked, “Please, tell me about my wife, her turn of mind, her thoughts … still standing fast beside our son, still guarding our great estates, secure as ever now? Or has she wed some other countryman, at last, the finest prince among them?” (The Odyssey, 11, p. 255). It shows that although Odysseus undoubtedly loved and trusted his wife, he still wanted to know if she remained faithful to him. This scene makes me feel like maybe one day, throughout those three years, I may doubt him too, like how Odysseus doubted Penelope and I may ask people around how is he doing and is he still thinking about me.

I can make sure that I will be loyal to him like Odysseus during his journey in the sea. Although Odysseus was seduced while stranded on the island with Calypso, he still longed for his wife and home. The goddess asked him why he did not want to marry her and Odysseus replied “don’t be angry with me, please. All that you say is true, how well I know. Look at my wise Penelope. She falls far short of you, Nevertheless I long — I pine, all my days — to travel home and see the dawn of my return” (The Odyssey, 5, p. 159). Here, we see that although Penelope is far from Calypso’s immortality and beauty, Odysseus still chooses Penelope and not Calypso. After I met him, I knew exactly that this is what I need for the rest of my life. None of the guys I met after him are better or even come close. He is the best one I have ever had. I know that I will meet another charming man, or another funny one, just how Odysseus met Calypso. I also know that I will choose him again and again.

Being away from him for years will be a great challenge for me because I am a very obsessive person. Even seeing him having a good time with his friends makes me feel sad and left out. I know I should not have him all to myself, but being brought up craving attention has brought me into forming a toxic relationship with him. I got mad and hurt when he went out without me or spent time with someone else. The fact that I am leaving him soon and for a long time will surely make this habit of mine grow stronger. He is a very good looking and funny man. Hundreds of girls would be happy to be by his side, just as the suitors were desperate to marry Penelope. I will have difficulty accepting that he will eventually look for a new companion, as I will not be there for him anymore. Then again, I have no right to stop him from doing that unless I want to be seen as cruel and toxic, which will eventually lead him to leave me too in the end.

I just hope that he will be as loyal as Penelope. While dozens of suitors came for her in the hands of marriage, she rejected them and waited for Odysseus patiently. Her loyalty was also praised by Agamemnon in the underworld as he said, “Son of old Laertes — mastermind — what a fine, faithful wife you won! What good sense resided in your Penelope — how well Icarius’ daughter remembered you, Odysseus, the man she married once! The fame of her great virtue will never die. The immortal gods will lift a song for all mankind, a glorious song in praise of self-possessed Penelope” (The Odyssey, 24, p. 474). However, I know that the chances for this to happen to me will be low. He is not good at being alone, and to wait for me will just sound ridiculous for him. One day, I will have to accept that our relationship may end once I leave him.

At this point, I believe most of you have been wondering why I still choose to leave, although I have been talking about how much I love him and how wonderful he is in my life. So, here is the twist. We are not on the same page in this relationship. While I look at him as someone I love, he looks at me as a friend, a very close friend whom he puts a line for himself to make sure he will not cross it. In short, it is a one-sided relationship.

At the start of The Penelopiad, Penelope mentioned that Odysseus was a very sneaky person, a manipulator. In the first chapter, Penelope claimed that “Even I believed him, from time to time. I knew he was tricky and a liar, I just didn’t think he would play his tricks and try out his lies on me” (The Penelopiad, 1, p. 13). Penelope briefly described that she doubted whether Odysseus liked her or he only manipulated her. In my case, he is not any better. Sometimes, I am also confused whether he likes me or not and whether he only used me for his own goods. When he wanted something such as help with homework or editing his videos, he begged me like he only had me and liked me, but he did not. If I refused, he sulked for hours and blamed it on me because I did not help him. Indeed, he is a manipulator. I barely asked him to do anything for me, and if I asked him out, he would always give it a second thought. As if he liked the idea of me but not being with me. Not to say that I am not grateful for his presence during my hard times but to put what I gave versus what he gave, I definitely outdid him. It is a very unfair game, but I did it anyway because I do not want to see him hurt. A lot of people said I deserve better and yes, I know that. Such a foolish side of me, but I believe that is what people mean when they said ‘love is blind.’

You may also wonder, have I ever confessed to him and what did he say. I did. And I regretted it. He only said, “you know the answer,” and at that time I pretended I knew. I don’t, but I guessed it is because I am nowhere near his type and not even what he would want. Having me is just an advantage but not what he needs. As I read The Penelopiad, I realised that I understand how Penelope felt towards Odysseus. Odysseus always compared her with Helen. For example, in Chapter 4, when they had Telemachus, Odysseus compared her with Helen as he said, ‘Helen hasn’t borne a son yet,’ (The Penelopiad, 6, p. 37), which makes Penelope wondered why he still thought about her. It was obvious that Helen is so beautiful that any man would want her. So, my situation is the same as Penelope. I am not drop-dead gorgeous like Helen, but I can offer everything besides that. In fact, when Penelope mentioned, “I was a kind girl — kinder than Helen, or so I thought. I knew I would have to have something to offer instead of beauty. I was clever, everyone said so — in fact they said it so much that I found it discouraging — ” (The Penelopiad, 5, p. 25), which I could relate to how that feels because I am also smart and kind but I am not pretty so, he will never choose me.

Just like Odysseus won Penelope in the hands of marriage, that is how I think he feels about me. Penelope said, “Indeed, Odysseus had been among the suitors for her (Helen) hand, and like every other man on earth he’d desperately wanted to win her. Now he was competing for what was at best only second prize” (The Penelopiad, 5, p. 27). Him having me is just like winning a second prize because it is not what he wished he had. He wants beauty, and he cares a lot about his image. Being with me will just downgrade him, and although I am smart and kind and always be there for him, I will never be enough. Hence, I decided to step back as I know deep down this relationship will never work out. Sooner or later, I have to end it whether I want it or not and leaving to the United States is my only chance. Reading these books have helped me to make my decision.

So, I hope you understand why in the end, I choose to go and leave him.