The Meaning of Facebook’s Emojis, Explained

I’m sorry to hear about the divorce, you getting laid off at your company, and the car repo thing. But remember when I was telling you about my thumb that got sprained? It was this one. (Oh and thanks for sharing that photo of you and your wife and colleagues on Throwback Thursday. Great stuff. Like!)

Dear Friend: Sitting in front of the fucking computer all day is not only killing your soul. It’s also gradually killing your body. At the moment, this is your most affected organ. Love always, Reality.

Whatever your race, ethnicity, or current flavor of self-identification, I am intended to offend you. You know that. Facebook knows that. Come on, look at me. We can all pretend that there’s some mathematical allusion here (am I greater than or less than?), but that’s a red herring. I am equal to a whole lot of hate. I could be wearing a white hood and I’d be less offensive. (PS, I loved that picture you posted of your kids getting on the bus on their first day of school. So Cute!)

As you can see, I’ve been punched in the face twice already. I’m guessing that might have to do with the fact that I haven’t seen any of of my Internet “Friends” in real life since since junior high (when most of them avoided me, with good reason), but I am always the first one to comment on their status updates. Every single time they post. Because, this is my life. And because of that, this is your life.

I’m shocked. I’m amazed. I’m surprised. Oh, and I want a blowjob so fucking bad it’s driving me out of my mind.

I’m really sad to hear about that. Really, really sad. Oh man oh man, so, so sad. Not sad enough to actually have a face to face real life interaction with you. Not sad enough to pick up the phone and give you a call. And not quite sad enough to type some actual words into this comment box. But sad.

You’re not gonna believe this, but I used to be the Speaker of the House.