The First Time.

D went out with A on their Thursday. That evening I tried to keep myself busy. I got out of class late. Initially I was almost looking forward to having some time to myself, but by the time I got home I realized I didn’t have much to do. There wasn’t anything food in the house and immediately was upset that D had left. I had graciously given D the car for the night. I suddenly felt trapped. I ate dinner and chatted with my roommates and felt somewhat better. Since I couldn’t think of anything else to do I started cleaning and doing laundry. Cleaning is a good activity to do when you aren’t in an awesome state of mind. The repetitiveness of the activities can keep you out of your head and it doesn’t take a lot of mental energy to complete.

I tried not to think about them, but it was hard not to be reactive about it. I just kept thinking about them them holding hands and making out. I have a rather vivid imagination that gets difficult to turn off when my anxiety is provoked. Eventually it sort of worked and I was able to calm my mind down and my bathroom was clean, and the laundry was folded. D came home around 9:30. I was about to head to the pool to go swimming. Exercise is another good activity to engage in when you need to turn your mind off. I gave him a kiss and headed to the pool. I was still I little worked up and needed to burn off some steam. My mind raced trying and I fought with myself whether or not to be ok with this situation. By the end of the swim I had surrendered. It was going to take too much energy to figure out all of this now.

When I cam back form my swim and showered I was surprised by D. D was in a great mood! We both had been feeling the exhaustion of trying to work out our relationship and he was by no means immune to it. He told me how sexy it was that I had let him go out on a date with someone else. He was flirty and playful. I hadn’t felt that energy from him in a while. I felt ashamed about my earlier thoughts. I am glad I didn’t share them and ruin this. We laughed and joked and went to bed. D couldn’t keep his hands off me and I couldn’t keep my hands off him. We were both unpredictably turned on by his date with A. It all seemed so counterintuitive but we went with it none the less. I joked later I should send A a thank you card.

A and D had plans the next Thursday too. I was optimistic about this one. I felt reactive the week before, but after their date D and I’s relationship seemed to change quite a bit. I think D felt a lot better about me being accepting of his polyamory, and I felt like I could trust him and he was willing to listen to my needs and take them into account. Even with all this said I was still a little nervous about Thursday. D told me they had plans to see an art exhibit. Since D and I share a car it adds another level to date night negotiation. I told D I wanted to go to yoga that night and would need the car. He was fine riding his bike. I got out early that day around 5 and headed home to grab some food before going to yoga. Feeling uneasy and trying to keep myself busy and from thinking I went to the pool for a quick swim. I was annoyed that I was still worked up. I thought I was totally over it. Since it seemed like D and I were connecting again, I felt more accepting and less reactive about A. I was actually proud about the progress I was making. I figured this week it shouldn’t be a problem at all. Boy was I wrong. Who was I kidding. You don’t become a poly-pro over night.

I went to yoga, but it was hard to focus. I texted D when I was out and asked if he wanted a ride. It was cold and rainy out and he was on his bike. He told me to meet him at our favorite bar at 10. I had some time to kill before 10 so I waited it out at a local coffee shop until our meeting time. Trying to be hospitable, even though I was feeling uncomfortable about him being with someone else that night I bought him a piece of cheese cake.

When I got to the bar D was already there waiting for me with a beer. It’s weird being the girl that has to go pick the guy up after a date with another women. It gives you some sense of power over the situation like I am still the one he comes back to and relies on, but it doesn’t make you feel super awesome either. I kissed D. Of course all I could think about was those lips probably had been in another woman’s crotch an house before, but I was hoping that wasn’t the case. Something felt strange about him and I knew, my suspicions were probably accurate. I asked him how his day was. We talked, but I couldn’t pay attention. There was an elephant in the room. All I could think about was the 100,000 dollar question Did he sleep with her? Of course he did you idiot I told myself! But I didn’t want it to be true. The conversation droned on. I started looking for clues. D didn’t have any gel in his hair. Ha! A clue I thought. He so slept with her. I started having this argument in my mind. Stop I said you are being ridiculous. The bar didn’t seem like the best place to talk about this. The conversation continued. It was unbearable. I was tired it had been a long day, it was time to head back. We got into bed and started to cuddle. D felt strangely empty, distant and different. The elephant was still in the room flapping its big ears, munching on grass, not making too much noise, but staring blankly uninterested at the two of it. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Did you sleep with her I blurted?

Yah he said calmly.

Yah you feel different. I said. Empty.

I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it but I didn’t like the way he felt. He felt way better to me the week before.

He told me they went to a hotel. My mind whirled with images of them kissing and fucking. Like that song from “he took off her dress now”….. I didn’t start balling and throwing tantrums but I wasn’t exactly excited about it either. I realized later, my mind was searching for thing to be upset about. There was something deep down, lurking in the shadows that had been violated and was looking for reasons to object. Logically I knew none of this mattered. I knew they were going to eventually sleep together. So what was the big deal.

He asked me if I wanted to know anything about it.

Did you use condoms I asked?

Yah we did. He said.

Then thats all I want to know I said.

I turned over in bed and spooned with D’s emptiness. This is interesting I thought. The night definitely didn’t turned out how I had expected.