I Want To Have Him and I Want To Be Him

I am not allowed to feel ambition. But I am allowed to want someone who is allowed to feel ambition.

It makes me feel sick to write this.

My ambition is so dark and all-consuming, I almost can’t face it.

It got big the way all fetishes do: by being choked and throttled and suppressed in the dark.

I want to claw my way inside him. I want to commit violence.

I want to have him.

I want to be him.

If the only way you get full access to yourself and your possibilities is by accessing another person and his possibilities, that is violence. Love is violence.

My earliest memories are violent.

From the time I was first alive until right now, I remember understanding that to come alive as human I would have to have him — and I would have to be him.

I have done neither.

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