I’ve Got It

“I’ve got it” is gonna be the subject line to an email I send to my producer on this action thriller tomorrow.

Right now the movie exists in the pages of my journal, in little chunks of notes interspersed between unconscious writing after third eye meditations or research or lists of people and ideas to follow up on or questions of the day which I pose at night and answer first thing in the morning, before my conscious brain has kicked in.

I try as much as possible to stay in an unconscious place.

Mixing my work journal into the pages of my personal journal gives me answers posed by questions from the other side.

Meaning — my question of the day may be “how should this movie feel?” and then I’ll spend pages writing about how every time I feel like I’ve found the bottom in my craving, in my loneliness, my isolation, my despair — I discover a new bottom. A new floor beneath the floor. A new trap door to fall through.

I sound like the hero in an action thriller.

How should this movie feel? Like every time you think you’ve found the bottom in your craving, in your loneliness, your isolation, your despair, you discover a new bottom. A new floor beneath the floor. A new trap door to fall through.

I feel like the hero in an action thriller.

It’s not true that I try to stay in an unconscious place. It’s more true to say I try to locate my unconscious place and consistently push it outward, where it can be seen. The process of rolling inward to outward is where I try to stay. Like standing on a log in a river.

I knew I had the movie by Friday. It came in a rush, all at once. But this weekend was hard because my body was creating. I am not a person who can create and feel nothing. I get overwhelmed and sad and drained. Like a succubus is pulling from me. I kept saying to myself “I’ve got it I’ve got it I’ve got it” to remind myself that something good was actually happening.

So tomorrow I’m going to pull from the pages of my journal — separate out the pieces that are me and the pieces that are the movie — and send them to the producer.

Cuz I’ve got it. It’s in me.