I have a confession to make. I am officially overweight. According to my BMI that is, which I know sometimes can be a crock, but this time I know it’s true. Over a year ago I competed in a bikini competition. When I started, I was somewhat depressed because I weighed 15-20lbs more than my “normal” weight. A weight I never deviated from since college — I couldn’t gain or lose, and I accepted that. By competition day, I was 20lbs lighter and my clothes fit wonderfully. But now I’m 30lbs over my “normal” weight. I gained everything back and then some.

I got comfortable. Of course I indulged in cupcakes immediately after my show! I was running on fumes at that point, and before that I was eating plain fish and asparagus for almost every meal for days. My coach told me I had my celebration and it was time to get back on the train. I did…sorta. But I still kept indulging until I was falling back into my old habits. This is embarrassing to share, but I would buy snacks and eat them in my car where no one I knew could see me. I was the master at eating powdered donuts without a spot of evidence. I’d polish entire packages of snacks in one sitting. Sometime I would have restraint and try to throw the package away, but after an hour of temptation; I would dig it out and finish what was left. Afterwards I’d feel the guilt and the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I vowed to get back on track…but not until Monday, of course. Then I’d set all these rules to follow because I like structure. The only thing was that I was restricting myself to the point that I was ravenously grabbing the next snack I saw and started the cycle again…

WTF is wrong with me? That’s all I keep thinking. I know what to do, why am I not doing it? How can I find a way to make this a lifestyle? I look down on myself in disgust every time I put on pants that are either too small, or the ones that I caved in and bought that are 2 sizes bigger. I hesitantly accepted an offer to go wakeboarding (something I used to jump at the chance and drive 2 hours to do), but dread to put on my bikini. I spend so much time trying to hide my stomach instead of being confident and owning everything that I do.

ENOUGH.

I have been to a personal development retreat earlier this year and I am currently part of a life coaching group so I could wrap my head around this and many other things. All these negative thoughts are running through my head all day, every day, just beating myself up. I need to start replacing them with thoughts that lift me up. I need to take ownership for the things I do.

So here I am. Ready to take action. Actually I’m already 2 days in, but I felt compelled to share my story in hopes that someone can relate and feel inspired. At the moment I don’t have plans to compete in a bikini competition, but that may change as my journey goes on. But I’m on a mission to do things different this time. It’s not just about weight-loss, but the feelings I will have from living a sustainable healthy lifestyle. Eating and being active because I love myself, not because there are parts that I hate. And to help me stay laser-focused, I entered the IsaBody Challenge. Follow along as I share my adventure.