Am I worth it? Am I worth your attention? Should I even be here? Do you see me as your equal? I have always had this insecurity. Not fully understanding my self-worth. Afraid to lean into my passions. Now I can say I finally found confidence in my insecurity.
Embracing my Journey
This month will mark my 46th birthday and my 25th year in the workforce. It feels weird thinking about that number, 25 years. I have always wondered when I would get that feeling of success. How would I embrace the moment when I have reached my full potential? For years I have been striving for this feeling and always seen it as the ultimate goal. Recently, I have noticed there is no such thing. There is no ultimate goal for me to achieve or some metaphorical summit where I will find my full potential. Everything is a journey, a process that leads you to the person you feel most comfortable with. I’ll share a personal example. In my early 30s, I would leave meetings completely frustrated. Frustrated, I didn’t sound smart during the meeting and upset I didn’t make that one comment to leave the room in awe. Over the years, I learned my preference is to absorb everything that happens during a meeting first. The energy between people. Who says what and why. After processing everything that transpired, I tend to reflect and share my thoughts after or even one-on-one. I always assumed being fast to respond or dominant during a meeting was important. It is not. Everyone processes information differently. Now, I am comfortable being relatively quiet during meetings. Assuming there is an expectation how I behaved during meetings was wrong. It was helpful for me to become convinced of my own process and sticking to it. We overthink what others expect from us and spend little time on how we build our own convictions.
Building Conviction through Guidance
Throughout my career, I have always struggled with confidence. My default behavior was to be guided by others because I assumed they know better. Seemingly there is nothing wrong with that. We can all use guidance in our lives, and mentors and coaches played a pivotal part in mine. When it came to my own decision making it got distorted. I didn’t believe enough in my own opinion anymore. I wasn’t sure that my vision or my thoughts mattered…