Fooling ourselves

Good intentions do not always lead to the right results
Reaching your full potential is not the same as being successful. Success is something you have accomplished. Your full potential is a collective of qualities and abilities that will lead to a satisfying life sometime in the future. I am the only one who can know what my true potential is and if I’m living up to it.

We all have good intentions by design. Usually, we want what’s “best” for ourselves, the people we love, and our environment. We intend to learn and grow and be the best version of ourselves possible.

Recently, I gave a keynote speech, and Slush Singapore allowed me to choose whatever topic I found relevant. I took some time and thought long and hard. Finally, I decided to do a keynote about my journey as an employee, an entrepreneur, and finally, an investor.

While making the deck and drawing out my lifeline in preparation for my speech, (something I learned at Kauffman Fellows), I realized my entire essence has been about getting “better” and seeking external validation. I could be a better, faster runner, a better-educated person, or a better, wiser investor. I could become “better” at anything.

I also realized I never defined what better means for me. Does better mean I am happier or does it say I have become a better person? I was not able to describe what my full potential looked like and it left me unsettled.

What is my full potential? Is it helping to build the best investment firm across Southeast Asia? It sounds appealing, but to do so would mean I have

to be focused only on achieving that goal. Is being an amazing entrepreneur worth the cost of not being the best family man or friend?

In a day that fits 24 hours you can’t be the “best” at your job, a competitive athlete, a great family man, an available friend, and have an active social life. No one can be the “best” in everything, and if they try, they will be the “best” at none of them.

My definition of reaching my full potential was just that. I expected myself to excel at all of the above and then some, but I was unsuccessful in being perfect in all these roles.

The harsh truth hit me, and I realized being everything to everyone leads to being nothing for no one. I had done an excellent job of fooling myself and others. I kept up the appearance that I could do everything at breakneck speed, 24/7, 365 days a year, year in, year out. Consequently, this wears out even the most dedicated person both physically and mentally.

Not feeling physically and mentally at my best was difficult for me. I formulated a plan of action to get to a better version of me. This plan of action included simple things like stretching 30 minutes a day, making sure I have a conversation with our kids every day, at the end of each day write down how I feel, and the last one was the hardest: giving my unedited opinion regardless of anyone else’s opinion or remarks. This last part was crucial in sharpening my views of work and life. If you don’t put yourself out there, you won’t get better.

I love sports, so as part of this action plan I began diligently following athletes. I was curious about how they kept going, more specifically, their endurance. I read an article about marathon runner, Kipchoge, who confirmed what I already knew deep down. Overextending yourself on a consistent basis burns you out. The New York Times article stated, “what is most unusual about Kipchoge, 33, and his diet of monastic extremes is the one thing he does not do, overextend himself in training. He estimates that he seldom pushes himself past 80 percent — 90 percent, tops — of his maximum effort.”

Reading some of Kipchoge’s words inspired me to make changes in my own life. Kipchoge says things such as, “only the disciplined ones in life are free.” “If you are undisciplined, you are a slave to your moods and your passions.” “It’s not about the legs; it’s about the heart and the mind.” And finally, “The best time to plant a tree was 25 years ago. The second-best time to plant a tree is today.” / [NY Times, September 14, 2018]/

I know that to go slow now will allow me to go faster later. A slower pace will let me be the best version of myself I can be. I am far less concerned with what “best” means and will focus more on slowing down to enjoy the journey.

Maybe good intentions mean to be kind to yourself? Not defined by someone else, but determined by you.

Thanks to my wife, Marijke, for putting up with me

Thanks to Jiali Tan and Markus Gnirck for helping me write this.