Never Say “You Should” To Your Man.

It’s a small change in wording that makes a big difference.

“You should go to the store.”

The phrase “you should” implies that he is wrong. It implies that what he is doing now is not good enough or acceptable to you. Even if that’s true and you are really unsatisfied with his behavior, no man wants to feel like he’s inadequate as a partner.

A much more gentle approach is this: instead of saying “you should…” say “it might be an idea to…”

Just as an example, my strong-willed friend was searching for a job yesterday. I’ve had tons of jobs in different industries and I’ve read a lot about success and employment, so I felt I had some advice that could be valuable to her in her job hunt. That, and I truly care about her and I want her to succeed. But she’s very strong-willed an doesn’t like being told what to do (guys don’t like being told what to do either!).

So here’s what I did.

I felt that in the area of career success I was wiser, I had more information, that my way was right and her way was wrong. And the phrase “you should…” perfectly encapsulated my feelings at that time.

But.

I didn’t say “you should.”

Because that particular phrase implies that she is wrong, I am right, and that I am wiser and have more information. Nobody likes to feel wrong, foolish, and dumb, even by implication.

So in general, instead of saying “You should,” what I say is, “It might be an idea to…”

I like this much better because it softens the blow. It is a suggestion and not a command. It says “you’re already doing quite well, and here’s just a suggestion forbyou to keep doing even better.”

Guys are sensitive, even if we don’t show it. We have delicate egos, and if you treat us gently with your words, it makes a big difference in the long run. Resentment stacks up (but so do happy feelings 😊).

The best relationships I’ve had are ones where we are completely honest with each other, but we choose our words carefully to ensure complete understanding with minimum friction. With honesty some pain is always necessary, but there’s a big difference between “Stop fucking chewing your nails” and “Honey, I’m sorry to bring this up because it’s such a small thing, but when you chew your nails around me I feel a bit grossed out.” Even better, “when your nails get longer I admire you more. I feel like you are the leader you were meant to be.”

So anyways. The words you use have a huge difference in how your partner perceives himself (nobody wants to feel like a dumb wrong fool) and how he feels about you. It’s worth taking the time to figure out the least-offensive way to say a criticism, rather than blurting out whatever comes to mind.

And one way to do that is by replacing “you should” with “it might be an idea to…”

Pay attention to your words. They may end up saving your relationship :)

TL;DR: Don’t ever say “you should.” Say “it might be an idea to…” It’s much nicer and less ego-bruising.