What to do when you don’t feel “the spark”

Sometimes women will ignore objective criteria for a guy, and instead rely only on subjective, feelings-based standards.

For instance, if a woman has a body type that I find sexy, an IQ of 120, and rates as a 9 out of 10, I am going to be interested, no matter what.

Women don’t seem to be that way. When I was living in Los Angeles, a female friend told me about the date she’d had the previous night: he was tall, good-looking, successful, nice, and respectful. But she wouldn’t go on a second date with him because she didn’t feel “the spark.”

For a man this experience is unimaginable. If we find a woman who is tall, good-looking, successful, nice, and respectful, she’s in no matter what.

On the other hand, this same woman dated a short, ugly, broke, married guy who frequented strip clubs and wasn’t especially smart, because she felt “the spark” with him.

Again, this kind of behavior is bizarre to us. A woman who is unattractive, unintelligent, and unsuccessful is not going to gain any favors with us, period. Ever.

While you may find this objectivity a little robotic, there’s something to be said for a balance between the two.

If a guy has objectively the things you need in a relationship (good guy/career/physical attractiveness) but you don’t feel “the spark,” give him a couple more dates. You may find that he comes out of his shell and gets more comfortable with you, or you develop feelings for him.

Just as a personal example, one of my friends was a professional model, and he also tested in the top 3% of intelligent people in the US. Despite being 6ft tall and respectful toward women, for a long time he could not get past the first date to save his life, because despite all his exceptional gifts, he suffered from a lack of self-confidence.

On the contrary, I know men who have next to nothing going for them in the looks, intelligence, or success department who have an abundance of confidence. A friend explained it to me this way: confidence has nothing to do with whether you deserve it or not.

Many women reason to themselves: “well if he doesn’t believe in himself, then why should I believe in him?” You and I both know losers who are very confident in themselves, and we also know wonderful people who are insecure. Do you really want to base your choice of a mate on how he feels about himself? You might pass up a golden opportunity with an objectively great guy who doesn’t feel that way, or you might get into a relationship with a doofus who is only confident because he can’t even remember his past failures.

Even worse, some men study pickup artist techniques to seduce women, and use these techniques to manipulate how you feel about them. If you follow your feelings unquestioningly, you will end up at the mercy of someone who doesn’t love you, and who does not have your best interests at heart. Be smart. Look at men objectively, separate from your feelings.

If you’ve fallen head-over-heels for some guy, try to do some objective thinking: do I admire his intellect? Does he treat me the way I want to be treated? Regardless of how I feel about him, am I settling for less than I deserve?

Which would you rather have: a guy with absolutely nothing to offer you, but who FEELS and ACTS like he has a lot to offer, or a guy who is actually your ideal man but he doesn’t recognize his own value?

Following your feelings in love is ok, but make sure you use your head too.