Building Relationships from the Ground Up
No, forced “teamwork” in a group project where one person ends up doing all the work does not teach relationship building.
Neither do college parties for celebrating a sports victory or recruiting events for getting that prestigious internship.
Relationship building is a skill developed through lifelong dedication to empathize with and understand other people, often putting others’ interests and needs above yours.
Despite how crucial it is, relationship building is one of those essential life skills that you don’t learn in school, and it’s hard to learn from books. As a young entrepreneur, I felt like I was thrown into the deep end when I suddenly needed to nurture relationships with so many new employees, clients, partners, and investors at once. Thankfully, [I think?] I’ve managed to learn many of the necessary skills on the fly, and I’d like to share some of the elementary things we can do to create mutually beneficial, meaningful relationships in our professional and personal lives.
This is not meant to be a “how to network” type of guide, but rather a few tips to cultivate the existing relationships in your life to achieve your personal and professional goals and, as a result, live a more fulfilling and pleasant life.
- Be brave.
It takes guts to build really interesting relationships in your life. Most people feel comfortable spending time with people who they’ve known for many years and share their worldview and value system. But what about those who are radically different than us? Those who grew up practicing a different religion, are from a different country, or speak a different language? We often, even subconsciously, limit our exposure to these “different” people because we fear that they will question, challenge, or even reject us. But as we grow older, this affinity for similar people and fear of exposing our worldview to scrutiny can fundamentally inhibit our growth.
For example, are you willing to pick up the phone and cold call someone who can help you, or give you a different perspective on a personal or professional dilemma? Are you willing to convince them to listen to you for 10 seconds even though they feel very uncomfortable talking to strangers over the phone? For most people, probably not. We have not been conditioned to seek out people who are outside of our immediate circle and talk to them. Rather, we have been conditioned to find a group and stick to it — almost as a survival instinct in the cliquey and monotonous world of middle and high school. Therefore, we need to break this mentality and take ourselves outside of our comfort zones to create new relationships and new opportunities.
Of course, we will get rejected sometimes. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve tried to reach out to for personal help or a business partnership either straight up told me I was wasting their time, or never bothered to respond to any of my follow-ups. But that’s okay. For every five rejections, I’ve met one person who, despite being from a totally different background, meets me for dinner or drinks whenever we have time to exchange ideas and see how we can help each other out.
2. Practice active empathy in your communication.
So, you’ve taken yourself outside your comfort zone and started to nurture relationships with new people, now what?? The answer is deceptively simple — listen to them. So many of us are stuck in our own worlds when conversing with other people. Be honest, when was the last time you gave someone your undivided attention? More often than not, we are simultaneously checking our Facebook newsfeed or our Snapchat as we talk with someone instead of actively listening. Or we are thinking about that deadline for our job tomorrow — whatever it is, we can’t seem to turn off that self-centered voice in our heads that prevents us from really listening to each other.
How do we get better at this? It’s easy: start asking empathetic questions. A simple example: someone complains about how stressed they are about the Math exam they have coming up next week, and how they can’t seem to learn the material. A lot of people would immediately draw the focus to themselves: “I have a CS exam as well, I need to stay up all night studying…“. An empathetic listener would respond: “Oh damn, sorry to hear that. Can I help in any way? My friend majored in Math and has a lot of free-time, I can put you in touch with him if you want? …”
Rather than always wanting to bring your voice and feelings in the conversation, leave the spotlight on your conversation partner for a bit — they will appreciate it and you will often end up learning something about the person that you never knew.
The great thing about practicing empathy is that it can actually rewire your brain. Indeed — the more empathy you display, the more empathetic your mind will actually become, and the better you will be at building relationships! Practice some active empathy in your next conversation with a friend!
3. Be a giver.
So, you’ve got the guts to reach out to someone new, you’ve practiced active empathy to uncover some of their problems and fears, now what?
“Give more than you take” is a great life motto to live by, and it is especially important when building relationships. We are often very selfish with people we are already close to, because we can be — think about all those times you would fight with your sibling(s) or close friends over the last piece of cake. When you’re finally close enough with someone to comfortably ask them to be your sounding board or shoulder to cry on, you feel like it’s okay to ask for what you need because you know they will ask for what they need from you in return.
When it comes to building relationships with strangers, however, we need to turn this mentality upside down. Is there a need you can aid them with, even if they didn’t ask you explicitly? Help them out! Is there any news that is relevant to their professional career that would be good for them to know? Share it with them! These little gestures remind people that you are actively thinking about them. And remember, relationships are not exactly give and take: expecting something in return will only lead to unhappiness when your expectations of other people fall short. So don’t expect anything in return — help people out because it’s the right thing to do, and over time you will be rewarded with enduring relationships.
Focus On The Journey, Not The Destination!
Building new relationships and trust is hard work initially: constantly being brave, empathetic, and a giver is tiring and hard to master. But as we get better and better in utilizing these skills, they become second nature. We start to develop a newer, more positive outlook on life and start to wonder how we ever lived without these skills.
Ultimately, as a result of building these skills, we will notice the relationships around us begin to blossom. Relationship building really is about the journey — if we start out with the mentality of forcing a relationship with someone, it will never happen. (Also, forcing anything on someone is not cool.) If we, on the other hand, focus on mastering these individual skills, we will become more compassionate and empathetic individuals and, as a result, see the relationships around us evolve and grow.
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This article was published for Advo — a lost millennial’s field guide to adulting. Please follow us for more great articles on how to navigate the complex world of jobs, relationships, friendships, and purpose.
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Speaking of relationship building … you know one of the best ways to build relationships around you? Invite people over to your home (yes, irl).
