Decision Framework: Online Dating
In the age of apps, hookups, and The Bachelorette, dating today can feel like navigating uncharted waters. Not only is messaging strangers who only exist in the digital realm a surreal form of connection, but many frameworks previous generations used for dating no longer fit. Traditional guidelines provided direction and security even if they were limiting.
Dating today is a perfect case study of decision fatigue. How do we identify the right fish in such a big pond? How do you play the game when everyone follows different rules? Are we running out of time?!
Online dating is often considered a numbers game — the more options, the better chance of success. From this perspective of dating as a data problem, why not apply the tools and techniques we use at work? For tasks that require sifting through data to identify matches, systemizing decision making can make things more manageable and effective. When facing a complex problem, it can help to break things down to smaller components. Mind mapping allows us to consider each step with the appropriate evaluation criteria while keeping the big picture in mind.
As strange as it may sound to use flow charts and diagrams for such a complex human problem, this method can offer a new perspective to view our dilemma and hopefully reduce human error.

This online dating framework is shaped by decision points at these steps: swipe right, first date, and relationship type. For further background, these are the goals I optimize for:
1. Save time and mental energy
Because dating apps provide an endless stream of partners, developing and sticking with a strong filtering system can save time and sanity. Setting hard rules helps you swipe consistently with your dating goals, whether you are 0.5 or 5 beers in. Mine include no selfies and a (clever) profile description. Clear compatibility filters allow you to reserve mental space for matches who fit your baseline criteria.
2. Get a second opinion: safety first

Review systems are used by companies that facilitate connections between strangers (ex. Uber, Airbnb) to de-risk the process. Use the Internet to your advantage. Today, Google is effectively everyone’s “mutual friend.” Most of us have a substantial Internet footprint. Check out your match’s LinkedIn or social media. A quick search can give you a heads up on red flags as well as a better idea of whether or not you will vibe.
3. Figure out what catches your eye vs. your heart
While attraction may serve as the initial draw to someone, it’s usually different forces that keep you with them. From compatible world views and ways to spend time to being able to talk openly, connection forms in different ways. Embedding the criteria that matter most to you in your initial interactions can be another time saver.
I like to use date activities and conversations as compatibility filters. Are they down to do a 7-mile hike Saturday morning? How does hour five together compare to hour one? How do they talk about serious things like work or life goals? How do they talk about random things… like astroturf?
4. Tell me what you want what you really really want

One of the most interesting aspects of dating today is our openness to different kinds of relationships. With the shattering of our Disney dreams, we have come to recognize the value of a relationship even if it takes an alternative form than traditional models. Movies like La La Land highlight the value of our romantic encounters even if they don’t last. At different stages in life, different kinds of relationships make more sense. Part of dating is recognizing what you’re emotionally and logistically ready for.
Online dating can be a valuable way to explore what we are ultimately looking for in a partner. Now just to avoid swiping ourselves into oblivion…


Hit that 💚 if you think it’s time we develop more decision frameworks to our personal lives.
Or do you need help with other millennial love probs? Check out these Advo articles. We provide a field guide to adulting.

