Navigating the Coffee Shop

I used to be ashamed of being a barista like it was beneath me, beneath anyone. A regular customer who had given me genuine reasons to dislike her was particularly nasty to me one day, telling me to “stick to coffee” as I attempted to be friendly to her despite my better judgement. I told her “You know, you’re always a real pain in the ass to deal with. I’m going to make you the best cappuccino you’ve ever had in your life.” And I did, she admitted it after she took the first sip. You try different things in life. Do them well. Here’s what I’ve learned by being a barista (I also included a guide at the end on what goes into each drink):
- Eat a real breakfast. A scone is not enough.
- Get whatever you want, but if you order a cortado or a flat white you should know: that’s what douchebags get.
- Always throw your napkins away yourself — do not put them in the cup when you’re finished because it is disgusting and difficult to deal with when doing the dishes. /endrant
- An old coworker of mine has a tattoo that says “Death Before Decaf” (Whattup Chapman). This is because no one should ever order decaf.
- A cup of burnt, four-hour-old diner coffee is better than the freshest pour over made with imported beans from Brazil and the exactly most asinine water-to-grounds ratio. This is because the server at the diner says “you got it” when you order and tops you off with a smile as you sit listening to the calming splash of the “fresh” coffee falling into your mug. The journey is often more important than the destination.
- My Italian mentor from Sardinia on how he makes his cappuccinos so well: “Cappuccino, latte, it’s-a bullshit. It’s all bullshit. You do the same thing for each of them… steam the milk, take the espresso, wiggle your wrist… bella. Watch. I steam with my eyes closed. [puts hand over eyes, messily froths milk, milk dribbling everywhere, pulling the espresso shot for too long, milk is burbling all over the place, makes the perfect cappuccino] Drink. I make the wrong way, but it’s so good because I do with love. Yes, love is the secret.”
- I make better drinks for people who tip me in cash.
- I used the phrase “coffee brain” to describe the buzzing focus brought about by a good cup when talking to one of my best friends (Whattup RJ) and he has since told me that it convinced him to start drinking coffee at the age of 23. Always try new things!
- Coffee plants (Coffea Arabica & the less popular Coffea Robusta) can only grown between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn. ALSO, all teas come from the same plant, Camellia Sinensis. Black, white, green, red, etc. Thus herbal teas are actually not technically teas.
- Trust and accountability are two pillars of adulthood. If you have a problem with a coworker, never talk shit. Whether you despise them absolutely or you like them but they said something that bothered you, look them in the eyes and tell them exactly what the deal is. Always keep it real with the people who matter (even professionally, or momentarily).
- Here’s a poem I wrote while HIGH on caffeine: Sour cream & onion is the smell of trash beneath the sun. That’s why I don’t eat those chips anymore.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE… these are the standard drinks you can order at any self-respecting shop and what they actually consist of:

- Espresso (please note how it is not ‘eXpresso’): a shot, or two, or three (you psychopath) served naked either hot or over ice.
- Cafe Macchiato: double espresso with foam from steamed milk scooped on top.
- Cortado: 4 oz’s, half espresso double shot, half steamed milk.
- Americano: espresso shots poured into hot or iced water.
- Cappuccino: a double shot of espresso with foamy steamed milk poured/blended over the top. The drink should be about half liquid and half foam. Best served in an 8 oz cup (don’t order a large), and hot (don’t order it iced, the way you wouldn’t order a steak well done). Pro Tip: if you want more foam than usual you can order it ‘dry’, and if you want less foam than usual you can order it ‘wet’.
- Latte: a double shot of espresso with mostly liquid steamed milk poured over the top with a small layer of foam on the very top. Order it large, order it iced, any size. Pro Tip: if you don’t want any foam, just the liquids, order it ‘flat’.
- Flat white: this is slightly up for debate, but I got my intel from an Italian who has worked in coffee for 20+ years. A google search will tell you that the flat white originated in Australia, and consists of microfoam (cappuccino foam) poured over a double shot of espresso. My Italian mentor told me, however, that it’s merely a ‘flat’ latte — no foam at all. This is like the creator of .gifs telling everyone that it’s actually pronounced “jiff”. Nice try, Steve Wilhite. And nice try Aussies. I’m going with the Italian on this one.
- Mocha: a latte + chocolate sauce mixed in with the espresso. Underrated, especially iced!
- Pour Over: a little batch of coffee brewed just for you by pouring boiled water over the grounds and draining them right into your cup! Some say it’s the best cup of coffee.
- Cafe Au Lait: a latte, but with brewed coffee instead of espresso at the bottom. Old school, classy, impossible to mess up.
- Red Eye: brewed coffee with a couple espresso shots poured over the top. For benign psychopaths only.
- Chai: technically a latte, but not made with coffee, but still caffeinated. Pre-made chai tea concentrate, usually with a bit of sugar added, poured into cold milk and steamed together into a frothy delicious nectar bath. Please order iced on a hot day.
- Matcha: also a latte that’s made with tea, it’s green powder that’s either whisked into hot water with steamed milk poured over the top like an espresso based latte, or added to cold milk and steamed together like the chai. Really good with a bit of your favorite sweetener, or with mint. Please note: matcha is very caffeinated in a way that comes on strong and slowly withers away, like your boss’s second marriage. I have seen the face of God and it is an iced matcha.
Written for Advo, where millennials can exchange advice as we grow into our world. Check out our other articles below.
