The Art of Hospitality (Post-College)
This article is not a how-to on hosting a perfect dinner party, brunch, or tea party, because you can google that shit, there is plenty of #inspo out there. This article is about practicing hospitality, the art of inviting people to share life with you in your space, on good days and on bad days. And so you know where I’m coming from- I’m a 33 year old mother of 4 (juuuust barely qualify as a millennial) who got tired of trying to have a Pinterest ready craft and a healthy meal ready before inviting friends over. I started saying, “I’m lonely, you’re lonely, I have crayons, let’s order pizza.” And the people came over and it was good.
Hospitality is something different than being the perfect hostess, and though the two require some overlapping skills, I’m here to champion the former. Being the perfect hostess might mean having an amazing party dress, matching place settings, and a 5 course menu with wine pairing. Hospitality is saying yes, come over, let’s be together, whether you have those things or not. Hospitality is an open door, room for another pair of muddy boots in the hall, opening the bottle of white even if you have to throw ice cubes in and drink it from paper cups.
When you’re young and you move to a new city, you might find yourself overwhelmed with the dueling tension of trying to practice hospitality in a crappy apartment you share with roommates, and the loneliness of only meeting friends out, whether out is at brunch, a bar, a museum, spin class, or wherever. Meeting friends out means you’re always on. You don’t get to kick off your shoes and unwind. You consume, engage, and explore, but you don’t relax, dig in, and listen in the same way as you inevitably do when you crash on someone’s couch.
Here’s my twist on all the #inspo that’s out there. You probably won’t get a Pinterest ready party out of this, but you will get deeper, more intimate relationships, a restorative feeling of gathering, and your friends will feel #blessed by your efforts.
Shake off the idea of perfection. Some people are neat and have perfect houses. Good for them. The rest of us are messy, and that is fine. Open the door anyway. Open the door because we are all messy human beings and we all need a place to take off our shoes and just be.
Be spontaneously welcoming. When a friend is texting you that she had a shitty day, instead of asking her out to drinks, invite her over. Grab a bottle of wine on the way home and order takeout together, or cook a box of noodles with parmesan and olive oil. You’d be surprised how far those things can go (and how much money they can save you both).
Practice. Part of throwing a gathering where people feel really welcome and happy is being a relaxed host. If you’ve never hosted any parties before (outside of college style parties), start with something easy that doesn’t need to be heated. A great charcuterie board and a couple bottles of wine make a delicious, grown-up feeling gathering. Two types of cheese, two types of meat, olives, honey, some figs, a delicious loaf of bread, and some wine and/or beer are simple enough to put together and make a great impression. They’re also fun to gather around and last a long time. You can also have crackers, cheese straws, fancy flavored popcorn- or add those things to your list for my next tip.
Enlist friends to help you host. Themes can be really helpful with this. Throw a taco Tuesday: put a pork butt in the slow cooker in the morning and text your friends to bring taco fixings after work. Add tequila and make it Fiesta Friday.
Ask questions and listen. I’m a little bit on the naturally introverted side. I get intimidated by big crowds and by super cool people. But here’s a truth I’ve found to be almost universal: people love to talk about themselves. When one of your guests shares something, ask a thoughtful follow up question. Listen to their answer. Asking questions and listening attentively is a great way to take cut through awkward small talk. And, as your guests open up, you’ll inevitably find something to relate to and something to say. Practicing hospitality can be a great way to create the safe spaces we’re all looking for these days.
Master a few good meals. Pick a couple of things you really want to know how to make, and make them for yourself, your bestie, or your roommates when the pressure is off. Some simple suggestions: a veggie quiche in a store bought crust, fancy grilled cheese (or regular grilled cheese who am I kidding), any kind of salad with a home made dressing. People go nuts for homemade dressing and it’s literally just whisking.
Identify other hospitable people and team up. As you settle in to your city and your friend group, you’ll start to notice that one friend might be great at baking, another at mixing drinks, or another who just literally is the party wherever she goes. My personal favorites are the friends who do the dishes. Team up with these friends when you want to throw a bigger gathering. (I’ve always wanted to have a Friendsgiving. Please take this advice, and throw a Friendsgiving).
Above all, remember your mission. If your food turns out crappy or you drop the cork into the wine or you put together a beautiful charcuterie board only to find yourself surrounded by raw vegans, relax. Remember you are not on a mission to be a perfect host. Instead, you are practicing hospitality, the art of welcoming people into your beautiful, messy, imperfect home, so you can be your beautiful, messy, imperfect selves together. And there’s always GrubHub.
Press that 💚 if you’re going to throw that Friendsgiving now.
Any hospitality tips you’ve learned after graduating? Please post below in the comments section!
By the way, I am a new contributor to Advo, a field guide to adulting. For more content like this, follow along below or check out some of our other articles!
