Ways to kill time on a plane

Or, how to talk to your soulmate on her way back from the toilet

Help. (Photo by Mario Azzi on Unsplash)

For flights shorter than 2 hours…

1. Pick up the inflight magazine and try to solve the crossword puzzle.
2. Discover that you’re not very good at crossword puzzles
3. Fight the urge to peek at the answer key before you’ve even given it a try.
4. Find one of six and a half clues that you know the answer to. Comfort yourself with the idea that perhaps if you get six of them, you can get the other 42 as well.
5. Contemplate whether 22 Across, which is “Singer Cyrus” and has a “Y” as the last letter is Billy or Miley.
6. Decide to commit to “Miley.” Billy isn’t much of a singer anyway.
7. Check the answer key. Dammit, it was Billy. Yeah, I guess whoever makes these crossword puzzles is probably not a millennial.
8. Remind yourself that crossword puzzles are just a stupid game, and are not indicative of more important skills, such as grilling a perfect medium-rare steak, knowing how to make an Old Fashioned (and the spelling of Angostura), and changing a tire.
9. Dammit, Billy.
10. It counts as knowing how to change a tire even if you have to watch a YouTube video, right?

For flights between 2 and 6 hours…

1. Pick up the inflight magazine and–
2. Nope, no more crosswords. Remember last time?
3. Sneak a quick once-over of your seatmate by the window. She’s wearing a statement tee that says, “Namastay in bed.” That’s pretty funny.
4. Decide that someone out there must have met their soulmate on a plane, and convince yourself that that could be you too. Commit to striking a conversation.
5. Think of an equally witty pick-up line as an opener. How about, “Hey, where’d you get that pun shirt?” No. God, no. Why on earth would you even think about that?
6. Watch your seatmate pull out noise-cancelling headphones from her purse. See soulmate dreams flashing before your eyes.
7. Feel her touching your left arm, and begin dreaming about how many kids you two should have.
8. Realize that she’s asking you to stand so that she can use the bathroom.
9. Realize that you now have about three minutes to think of a good opener before she comes back and cancels you out of her world, and that “pun shirt” might not be a bad idea.
10. Watch her silhouette emerge from the bathroom. Briefly imagine yourself growing old with her. Practice your best fake laugh for when you pretend to see her shirt for the first time.
11. Pretend to be occupied with the dirt in between your fingernails while keeping an eye on when she is at about an appropriate distance for you to look up, give a light chuckle, compliment her shirt, and propose to her with the engagement ring you bring with you wherever you go.
12. Look up as she’s about three rows away.
13. Release your fake laugh.
14. Mid-way through the laugh, decide that that was the least convincing fake laugh you’ve ever heard, and abruptly transition into a cough instead.
15. Stand to let her pass while pretending to have fully controlled your cough.
16. Sit back down with full knowledge of the lifetime of regret and embarrassment you will face.
17. Pick up the inflight magazine. At least crossword puzzles have answer keys.

For flights longer than 6 hours…

1. Remind yourself that airplanes are not the best time or place to find your soulmate. Too public, and too quiet.
2. Decide that you will use the next 9 hours to finish the copy of Infinite Jest that you picked up from the airport bookstore. You’ve been waiting a long time for uninterrupted, completely disconnected time to read, and this is it.
3. Notice the cabin lights get dimmed and consider whether your seatmate might be disturbed if you turn on the reading light to read Infinite Jest.
4. Tell yourself that you paid good, hard-earned money to buy that discounted economy class seat and that you have the right to do with it whatever you so please.
5. Switch on the light.
6. Wait in frightened anticipation for your seatmate to bring out the katana they snuck in through airport security and slice your hand off for even daring to turn on the reading light.
7. Take pride in the fact that you’ve taken a giant step in accomplishing one of your lifelong goals.
8. Think of a witty tweet to share this accomplishment with your 324 followers.
9. Convince yourself that $49.99 for 9 hours’ worth of wi-fi is not something you need right now.
10. Buy an hour’s worth of wi-fi for $7.99. There goes that beer you were going to buy…
11. Open Twitter, and realize that you hadn’t thought of something particularly witty to tweet.
12. Scroll through Twitter to try and find inspiration.
13. Find yourself in the middle of a deep Internet wormhole learning about different types of cocktail bitters, and the complex flavor profiles of Peychaud’s bitters. Add a set of eight to your Amazon cart to kick start your career in mixology.
14. Check out your purchase, discover that your wi-fi access has expired, and face the fact that you will never be a bartender. And then remember that you still haven’t started Infinite Jest.
15. Remember your Intro Psychology class lesson about how napping enhances creativity by allowing your brain to process everything you’ve learned that day to ease retrieval the next day.
16. Turn off the reading light, and take a fifteen-minute nap.
17. Wake up six hours later, and realize you’ve missed the dinner service.
18. Feel the hunger pangs in your stomach. You can’t possibly read Infinite Jest on an empty stomach. At least breakfast service is coming soon. Once you get your coffee fix, you’ll definitely be able to power through at least the first 200 pages.
19. Drink four cups of coffee and fall in line for the bathroom behind 8 other people who conveniently have the same bladder schedule as you. Why does coffee need to come with consequences?
20. Pause and consider whether that last thought would make a good tweet.
21. Take your seat, and finally open up Infinite Jest. Screw the tweet. Forget public accountability. Only you need to hold yourself accountable. You’ve just got to go and do it, you know? Take the leap. It’s time to stop making excuses.
22. Realize that you read way too many Thought Catalog posts because that last series of thoughts was just a series of meaningless platitudes.
23. Realize that you just had a pretty deep thought. Maybe you should write a Thought Catalog piece. After all, other people should learn from your wisdom, right? Why even bother trying to read a thousand page novel when you’re not even really interested in it? You’ve just heard it referenced by a few classmates one too many times, and they’re probably just saying that to sound pseudo-intellectual. You’re good enough, you tell yourself. You’re good enough.

Regretting your life decisions. (Photo by Steven Coffey on Unsplash)

This was written for Advo, a field guide to adulting.

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